walk the path less traveled.

it’s been a while since i’ve written something meaningful. and tonight, i feel a little lonely because for the past few weeks, i think i’ve missed a part of me. a person. and while it’s not healthy for me to hang wih her, i still feel conflicted because we’ve had the best times ever together.

it’s like a weird breakup. the whole loving a person but knowing that you broke up with them for a reason.

& i really can’t even compare it to a breakup because we didn’t break up. and no i was not in a relationship with her because yes, i am not a lesbian. she was one of my best friends. a best friend. or so i thought.

and i still think we are. but somewhere along the way, it just fell. what goes up must come down. and soon, it’s like you don’t even know the person and secrets held back are all that you have in common. a wall placed in between. and it sucks. it really does. i want to pick up the phone. but at the same time, i don’t. it’s like purgatory. seeing if you’re good or waiting to repent for your sins.

what i felt stood in a way was the impulse to lie. why does one lie even when they don’t need to? i’ve never been someone to truly criticize someone for telling the truth, no matter how bad. sure i’ve judged people. i judge all my friends. but in the end, they’re still my friends for a reason. i don’t give a shit what they do because i always know there’s some good part of them. and i believe in that. trust bonds friendship and i try to be there for people that need me. and though my trying isn’t very meaningful, shouldn’t it be something?

and friendship is a two way street. like any other relationship, there has to be a semi-equal amount of effort put into it. and maybe at times, i just don’t feel that it was like that. i’m not saying that it was all entirely her fault, but at times, who else could i blame?

i truly do value my friendships. every moment means something. and especially for the past few years with her, it’s been bumpy but we’ve always been good right?

but now, i just feel empty. i want to say i’m sorry. but what do i have to be sorry for? i didn’t do anything.

..or maybe that’s what i should be sorry for. the fact that i did nothing as it fell apart.

“when the clouds have departed..

you’ll be right here with me.”

 

Do people ever stop and just reflect and be thankful for everyone that has made a difference in their life? We live days too fast. I find myself losing so much that I wish that I had held on. But when I am able to stop and in the quiet solitude moments that I find, I think back to why some things are left behind and why some things are not. Memories are a precious thing that I learn to hold on because you may or may not be able to make another. Things change whether it’s for the better or the worst. Life is just like that. It’s the downs that make you who you are whether it’s loss, heartbreak, disappointment, or anything that made you wish that it wasn’t happening to you. When you go through the worst things, this is when you really try to figure out who you are. You realize your faults. Your strengths. I believe everyone has some strong point to them whether it’s the to look forward to tomorrow and bounce back or to extend a helping hand to anyone in need no matter what.

The joys…the joys are just the things that make life seem more precious. Every time I experience something happy, I try to remember it. They’re tokens that one can never have too much of in life. I think the basis to basis to happiness is not something, but someone. Family, friends, even a family pet. Someone that will always be there for you. The windshield wipers for tears. The chair to support you. Through life, you lose some and you gain some. But it’s the people that are always there, through and through, that are the most valuable. The ones that make your heart lighter, that make the ride worthwhile.

I love my friends to death. I don’t know what I’d do without them. Better few and close than many and not. I can count my life people using just my hands. But is that so bad? I don’t think so.

But I have to confess. I’m am no champion against time. No one is. Time changes things. And like I said, things change for the better or for the worst. So what happens if it changes for the worst? Like when friends you had the best times with, change into someone you barely even know. Or worst, into someone that is the complete opposite. A scenario that bruises even the strongest ego. What happens then? I think that’s where memories come into play. Like in relationship advice, be glad it happened. Better love and lost than not loved at all. That whole thing.

From a class, I learned that we blame too much stuff on us and because of that, we’re unable to carry lighter loads. We should stop asking “why did it happen to me?” about things that are inevitable and, really in fact, have nothing to do with you. We’re all bystanders in someone else’s life, while living our own. And once in a while, something’s bound to happen that will profoundly affect you, without meaning to. That’s just how the rollar coaster goes. Things happen for a reason. There’s a reason things happen. Things that go down are able to go up again. Don’t fret.

 

 

Hao is in a contemplative mood thanks to the song “Right Here (Departed)” — Brandy.

undergarments and sats.

i swear the SAT is overrated. i took it today and it was just like any other test i took. wasl. psats. whatever. i do find calmness in sitting there and filling in bubbles and solving problems though. people might think i’m crazy. i feel like i lost 4 hours of my life but i’d much rather be spending that four hours testing and exercising my brain than killing cells with tv or something like that. yes, i know. weird. and like…you hear stories about how students cheat for the SATs and are freaking out and doing like study groups and stuff. i mean that stuff sells. just look at the enormous section of guidebooks in the bookstore to help you with the sats. but i took them and thought they were…a test. i felt minimal stress. i just remembered that if i didn’t know the answer at all, it wasn’t going to come to me if i stared at it long enough. i had to keep in mind that they dock me more points if a get it wrong than if i don’t answer it. what else. reading and writing was easy. the only thing that i strained about was math. typically. or..untypical since i’m asian. ahhaa oh the love of stereotyping. but yea. i can’t say i hate the SATs. i only hate the aspect of getting my ass into some random place at 7:45am and getting yelled at by some proctor lady cuz i said hi to a friend and then having to wait an hour to actually take the test and not being able to have breakfast beforehand. the end.

 

i bought three tanks today. it was in those packets of three though so technically i made on purchase. they’re blue, lime green, and blank. boyfriend tanks. or wifebeaters as some people call them. but why they call them that i do not know. but yea. i’ve been meaning to get some so im quite happy. and i also got new underwear! that may not be a big deal. and quite something personal too. but i like them. i’ve never bought underwear in those default packages of like 6 (which is the kind i bought today) cuz i usually buy them singualrly. but i decided to go cheapo and buy a package. first-timer. they’re cute though. if you don’t know my theory on confidence here it is. always wear good undergarments. not just panties (oh that words makes me laugh. it’s just so…feminine X_X) but  bras too. if sexy works for you, then do sexy. if comfort is what you’re about, do comfort. just wear what makes you feel happy. i think that that’s how you build confidence. if you feel good about what you’re wearing, then you’ll feel good all around. i always feel drabby if i’m wearing an something uncomfortable and it just makes me feel high self-conscious which…makes me feel horrible. so yea. 

oh i wanted to say that i saw a few people i haven’t seen in a while today. and guess what. im indifferent. seriously. i was like “hi..okay leave me alone.” i wonder if i really have left those who don’t matter behind. and did i wrongly judge those who don’t matter to me? seriously deep discussions in my mind going on right now. x__x

 

no love for puppy

I was looking over my old English class things last night and I was reading the very first essay I wrote. It was suppose to be a descriptive essay about a subject, whether it be person, place, or thing. A very normal assignment to see how well your powers of description are. Not to sound like I’m full of myself or something, although you may snort at that and say that I do anyways, but I actually think I have a strong level of giving details. But anyways…the topic that I had chosen for my essay was actually someone quite close to me. Close as in intimate in this case. I had written more than 750 words about a person that , at that time, was my world. It was even titled “My Sweetheart” with a kiddy-drawn heart next to it. Looking back on it, I feel stupid and slightly ashamed of how brazen I was to be writing such a thing. How immature and childish it was. How naive I was to think that the words “together forever” even exist. Okay, slight exaggeration but I really don’t understand what was going through my head back then. Each word I wrote sounded as if I was some obsessed girl writing about one of her idols.  I can’t imagine what was going through my peers’ heads when I handed them my rough copy for peer review and editing. But one my peer’s comment sheets, he had written that I did a good job and that the subject I was writing about was puppy love and it reminded him of when he was younger.

PUPPY LOVE? What is puppy love. Type it in to google (a la Mozilla’s handy google taskbar) and you get “temporary love of an adolescent”. TEMPORARY? If I had know that, I wouldn’t have written a freaking ode to someone that was supposedly temporary. Even though he had written that term down during the period that I was still dating that guy, I don’t think that he had any right to define my relationship as “temporary” even though it actually came true…maybe I’m just a bitter bitter girl.

Well. Here I am now, 6-7 months later in SCCC’s Computer Lab writing a blog at 8:53 (oh crap need to skiddadle to class and finish this later…) —

Hello. It’s 3:52 now. I should be studying for my chem quiz tomorrow but I will finish up what I had to say here first. 

So 6-7 months later. I am, once again, enjoying the feelings of puppy love with another guy. But I don’t want it to be puppy love. Cross the word puppy out. But me being so young, how do you whether something is going to last or not? Just like your life, you never know what’s going to happen tomorrow. I guess what I’m trying to get at is that I find the term puppy love offensive because when you are experiencing all those emotions, you don’t think of what happens tomorrow or next or next year. You don’t think of words such as “temporary”. You think of words such as “love” and “forever”.

 

Thinking back to my essay, although I do not have the same feelings as I do for the guy i wrote about. I can imagine how I felt so strongly towards him because I feel it now towards someone else.

 

HAO=HYPOCRITE ♥

simply the truth.

yesterday, i got to see some people that i haven’t seen in a while and it’s amazing how fast time goes by. things change so fast as if life went into overdrive and lost its brakes. i guess it makes me realize the impermanence of everyone and everything around me. for some reason, while it’s depressing, it’s also very soothing for me to understand this because i am more thankful for everyone moment that goes by. i cherish things more. people who know me may or may not know that i AM sentimental. i keep things such as birthday cards, airplane tickets and random pictures because each one brings back a memory for me. i also enjoy knowing that no matter how bad things get, life does go on and tomorrow may bring something new that will make yesterday seem ages away.

 i also want to say thank you for those who are still in my life from the past. those who have made an effort to stay and be involved. i know some people think that i shouldn’t wait for others and i should do it myself, but i have yet to be able to put myself out there and do something. i’m still that little kid on the swings that is scared of going high while others sail past. but really, i know that i am unable to go out and make amends and do this and do that and im just really really thankful to know that i have friends that really care about me, even if i may or may not see them in forever. i hope they know who they are. because you guys are my rock. thanks so much.

 today was a…pleasant day. i had a lot of fun. that’s all i have to say. right now, my mood is complacent. and i just like to rethink this week.

cross my fingers for finals and presentations next week ^^ busy busy weekend to study.