byebye autumn 2009.

finals are over. woohoooooooo.

tired, i am.

sleepy, i am.

anxious to go to work, i am.

i start officially driving tomorrow! (er, today, considering it’s almost 1am)

it’s going to be awesome. cars! beware! this girl has only driven for 3-4 months total! bwahaha. kevin’s scared and ken wants “passenger insurance”

honda cr-v’s have one of the highest safety ratings in all cars. so, i’m feeling pretty safe.

no more studying for a few weeks. i’m feeling good. a bit happy too. though boys are stressful. but girls are hot. so life evens out.

mwah~

btw, kelsey apartments have cute boys i wish i lived there.

what’s left ’til i let go.

So it’s over.

So so over.

I don’t remember what film that’s from but all I can remember is that girl saying that over and over again. Yes my relationship with my dear sweetheart has ended. You know how people say you can’t feel two contradictory emotions at once? Well you can. I’ll just write whatever comes to me so please ignore typos, run-ons, and hold on, sit tight, and keep all grammar remarks to yourself. Feel free to let go anytime and wander off but in this post, I do not care. I just want to write my heart out.

i’m heart broken. of course i am. i fell hard.  i fell fast. i fell…on my ass. and well, everyone says i’ll be fine but it’s only the day …hours after? and of course, i’m not effing feeling fine yet. it’s not anger i feel, it’s more of pure sadness. i didn’t know where i was headed but i knew i loved the ride. was that being selfish? and he said that he’s been feeling this way for a week which makes me confused because a week ago, i wouldn’t have known. sure of course we’ve had our distance problems and sure it took a huge push for me to call him up several weeks ago and asked if he was in this or out because i didn’t know. and after that, he was nice. he was kind. he was…my boyfriend and he was there for me and kept in contact with me and well, yea distance was okay for a while. but me, i guess i became clingy. but in my defense, what’s being clingy even mean? is it my fault that i wanted him to make time for me in his day. okay, when he’s busy just tell me he is, i’ll understand. i just thought that since i was his girlfriend, i should be a part of his life. not shoved off to a corner to gather dust for when he’s completely done with everything else. but a week ago, i still thought he loved me. i still thought that what we had was…still strong as cliche as that sounds.

winter break was coming up. he was coming up to seattle. i would finally see him after a quarter. i imagined everything i had wanted to do with him that i could never do with my parents around. i would have freedom. i wanted hand holding at night. waterfront walks. ferris wheel rides in the moonlight. new year fireworks. movies. ice skating. staying overnight…being with him. i was looking forward to it so much that it breaks my heart even more to know that they’ll still be something i wish would happen. funny enough, i was watching transformers and i was like holy cram, sam can keep megan fox and they really like each other. AND he’s going to some college off somewhere and she STILL likes him and was really sad when he didn’t keep their webcam appointment. okay, bad thought. idiotic thought. i mean, of course life isn’t like the movies. it’s just more dramatic.

okay keep in mind that we only broke up 12 hours ago. it’s not even a day. cut me some emotional slack okay?

i don’t feel anger. at least, not yet? i don’t know if i will. what keeps me running around in circles is wondering if it was because of someone else? of course i asked and he denied but who knows right? at well, even if it was, i guess it’s a bit better to know that he would spare me the pain by lying. and if there truly isn’t…well we’ll never know right? and of course i confessed to him that i get these weird images of intimacy in dorm rooms between him and some random girl — not good– (not to mention the fact that sydney pointed out her roomie is having sex like once a month with her ex in their apartment) but ireally don’t think that’s going on. and if it is, then i guess i’m just a horrible judge when it comes to people. of course it’s the distance and not being able be there with him. what’s funny is that he said that without me physically in front of him it’s hard to manage his emotions which is what led me asking if theres anyone in the first place.

honestly. i thought we would beat the odds. at least be able to manage our relationship for longer than three months with the whole distance thing. i believed naively that it would work out. even if people had their doubts. apparently, i was suffering when i shouldn’t be. but i didn’t mind suffering if it meant that i could still be with him. it sounds cheesy and horrible but i really really fell for him. and the way he talked about our future. i wanted to believe every word he said. i did for a while. i wanted to be there to take care of him.

in the end, i guess it didn’t work out. how long before i’ll be able to pick myself up again, i don’t know. i practically hugged my tissue paper roll last night to sleep because i couldn’t stop convulsing and even when the tears ran out, i couldn’t stop. i really wish i didn’t have work right now. even my co-worker is a bit freaked out. he keeps punching me trying to get me to “stop moping”. he says that someday reese’s peanut butter cup guy will come and buy some reese’s and see me and be like “wow, will you marry me?” which made me crack a smile. and apparently he made a sign ages ago that he put on top of all the shelves which he pulled down and brushed the dust off and gave to me. it said “will work for a date” which made me laugh so hard. (: but still, i came into work this morning at seven with 2 hours of sleep and i am just so. tired.

all i can do is let go and move on but what if i just can’t let go. it’ll get better with time.

—————————————– continue —-edit (8:00pm)

i really wanted to call him today. i wanted to text him. it’s funny how empty i feel. i miss his goodnight texts, even if i would actually get mad if i didn’t get one. i just felt like our goodnight were acknowledgements of …us. he called me babe. babie. nostalgia will probably be my worst enemy for the next few weeks. and ironically, i set my desktop on my laptop yesterday morning with one of our pictures from our photobooth shoot just because the happiness in that picture was contagious. it made me smile. now it just mocks me. and i know that all our memories were…not fake. we had a good time together while it lasted. i don’t think there should be any regrets about anything and i hope he doesn’t either because that’ll probably just kill me. i wanted to know what went wrong. how things changed so quickly. and if there was anything we..i..could have done. but i guess it’s too late for that conversation now. and even if i did pick up the phone and call him now, it’d be in a semi-clingy mood. i want to see him during break but 1) i’m not too sure he even wants to see me and 2) i don’t know how i’m going to handle it. it’s a bad idea everyone says. you’re just going to hurt yourself. but a part of me would be willing to die inside just to have one more day with him…one more kiss..because when he left for UCLA, i didn’t know that he’d be leaving…forever. i didn’t know. i thought it’d be longer right? i knew he’d come back up for winter break..but just not this way.

i ended up not going to all my classes today. i just…couldn’t do it. didn’t want to do it. ended up going downtown and shooting up some zombies at gameworks with the girls. and playing lots and lots of 3-puck air hockey and humvee. it got my mind off things. eating at westlake and just talking… i guess i’ll need a support system while i go through my withdrawal faze. i ended up buying a coat and telling the girls working there that it was impulsive post-breakup shopping. treat yourself is what they said. and throughout the afternoon i talked. and talked. and talked. and apparently, i couldn’t stop talking about him. and reminiscing. and. well, thanks girlies for listening and not reaching over and choking me or going insane and ditching me.

i think i’ll stop now because i have a feeling i could write all night and it’d just be going around and around and around in circles. and it’d just be about the same shit. and really? i need to keep moving forward, even if it’s with a broken heart because if i don’t, there’s no way i’ll be able to leave this behind me. instead, i’ll just find myself in a room with broken memories. but that’ll take time. at least, that’s something i have plenty of so i’ll just cause myself more pain while i try to hold on to what i can.

“Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn’t keep this love alive”

ilyxx. but sometimes, i guess that’s not enough.

it’s the weight again.

i know i know. it’s ALWAYS the weight. or the boys or the relationship issues. boy my life is so predictable isn’t it? haha

so everyone’s heard about the freshman fifteen right? how people usually balloon up during their first year of college because it’s all so new and you’re eating junk food everyday and staying up lately trying to get the classes you want for registration (i’m so sorry lovina! get some rest babe!) so they gain weight!

but me. yea, i’ve lost weight. and it’s PRETTY sad. when matt gave me that flu-curing massage, he pretty much said “wow, you’re probably the only person that LOSES the freshman fifteen” which of course i laughed off. but it’s SAD. and SCARY. and well, my schedule goes something like this.

monday

- breakfast … a muffin + a cup of soy milk/hot chocolate + a bowl of cereal

- lunch ..a chicken ranch burger

- snack at store .. an eggroll

- dinner .. two bowls of rice + whatever we have

i don’t know if that’s over 2000 calories? =[

and tuesdays are worst

- minimal lunch and breakfast –> whatever i can get considering i work from 7 to 1

- snack at store

- dinner

— i get to the store at 4 which means if i eat something large, my appetite for dinner will go away and i won’t eat much for dinner.

well, i won’t write out the rest of my week but that’s pretty much it. i feel like i’m withering away. and it’s funny that what scares me the most isn’t that i’ll die or something but if shawn didn’t like me anymore because of my thinness. it’s quite scary that thought. something that encourages me to go foraging in the kitchen for any high calorie food products. man, i’m so screwed up in the head.

packing for vietnam makes me wonder what to bring because they’re so god damn judgmental over there about what you wear. i mean, when i was 14, it didn’t matter much but now i’m 18, i have to wear something that is fashionable yet fit for my age. AND i have too keep my family’s face. so it’s like…finding the balance between not a prude and not a tramp.

but this last week has been great in terms of fun-ness and whatnot. i’m getting so much better at pool thanks to my constant practicing. i had an amazing lunch with friend. he took me to Korean Tofu House and ordered for me (in korean!) this awesomeeee Tofu Soup that was so delish. and his pancake (crepe? omelet? pancake? hahaha) was also so delish. and we just sat there being all quiet and whatnot and he was sutdying for his film class presentation and i was just sitting there staring at him study. it was eerily creepy but not at the same time. ahah. you know what i mean? okay, maybe not. but sometimes you’re just with people where you sit next to each other and not really be saying anything but it’s totally not awkward. okay.

well. laters. cuz im going to go shower and then see what crazy antics lady gaga is going to do on the AMAs tonight! tah tah <3

more for less.

I DON’T GET IT.

being a girl, i do love wearing girly flirty stuff.

but can you PLEASE tell me why a  thong costs more than boy shorts sometimes.

or why denim shorts can be more expensive than denim jeans.

or a miniskirt more than pants.

i mean, there’s less material, so shouldn’t be cheaper?

tanks and camis are generally cheaper than whole tees.

and i’m not saying that the price ranges because of the brand and where you get it.

i’m saying WITHIN one store.

and WHY OH WHY ARE G-STRINGS MORE EXPENSIVE THAN THONGS?

guy fail. 101.

i did it! i finally called him up and talked to him. i grew a backbone!

haha. so that korean guy that gave me flowers are graduation that i was ranting on about? the one that was my “crush but not really a crush but crush if i was single” guy? i called him. after weeks of evasive manuevers.

ahaha im so lame.

the conversation didn’t go horribly as i thought. well, it was horrible on my part. i kept laughing and not knowing what to say and it probably felt like a interview or something because i was completely combarding him with questions and then i ranted about my parents? wow, im pretty weird.  i mean, who randomly just rants to some guy about her parents. and i actually say something like “as much as i dislike my parents sometimes, i do really love them”.

i mean, uhhh..i just told the guy i love my parents. who does that. god what the hell hao. ><”

anyways, so i guess ill hang out with him for lunch or someting the next time i get a chance too. i owe the guy that much for his graduation gift and standing him up for lunch and THEN not calling him.

i am horrible with guys. why do they like me. lol. im a freakign twit and so so stupid. o_O” i just talk incessantly and then i profess that i love math! OMG. YEA. I TOLD HIM I LOVE MATH. AND THEN I PROCEEDED TO SAY THAT I SUCK AT IT BECAUSE I GOT A 3.0.

he’s probably like “uhhhh wtf.” and was hella anxious to hang up on me. but he was so cute on the phone with his “pardon me?” and whatnots. =D

haha.

well. until whenever. i’m off to play scrabble.

the skinny on skinny jeans.

i have a milestone to proclaim!

i know i’m really skinny with literally no curves so i’ve been avoiding the latest fashion trnd and hiding under my covers. that is, i’m talking about the skinny jeans. i know people say that “oh, skinny jeans are the best for people who don’t have fat thighs and are slim” but you know what? i’m too skinny for skinny jeans. when i wear them, i feel skinnier just because they clamp onto my stick calves and acentuate the fact that i absolutely have no jiggle fat. it’s kind of sad. whenever i flip through the racks at stores now, they’re 90% jeans that start big at the top and go small at the bottom. like an inverted triangle. and then what the heck is this “EXTREME SKINNY” jeans. i mean, i absolutely ENVY girls that look fabulous in those. which is pretty much 87% of the asian girls at my school. i much perfer to toss on my sweatshirt and jeans-that-still-fit-me-from-seventh-grade and hide in the corner because they’re so pretty. i still don’t understand what Shawn sees in me anyways.

anyways, skinny jeans are skinny-enhancing. hence this is why i have not worn them ever. /=  but on the opposite end, my mom tries to stuff me in baggy clothing because apparently that makes me look like i have a bit more fat on me. but making me swim in my clothes and feel lost. right.

but last saturday, i bought my first pair of skinny jeans. an aeropostale size 0* pair. it fits snugly and it doesn’t suck on my lower leg like a leech so it’s not TOO bad. the only reason i bought them is because i would like to buy a pair of rainboots for my upcoming walks around campus for school [it's Seattle afterall. rain season starts ...now.] and i could easily tuck them into my boots. it’s much better than trying to stuff my normal flare pants into there. and plus, they were cheap so…why not. they aren’t that bad. my boyfriend says they look fine. haha, sad that i use him as a judge right? but then again, he would know what looks good on me and he’s pretty brutally honest. “hao, your boobs are flat” “thanks hon, i know.” i actually kind of love them because i can wear any shirt with them and they look fine. now all i need are converses and a huskies sweatshirt and i will officially be a non-individual and conform with the masses.

by the way, this is me being daring. sad right? i should write a college essay on this. what is the more daring thing you have done and why? i bought skinny jeans.

hehe.

*size 0. there was a line from a book that i have where a girl ponders who made a size of clothes that says that body ceases to exist. i will find the quote and post is up but it really made me feel …i don’t know. kind of empty? a size where you end up ceasing to exist. a zero. a size where the body turns into nothing. zero.

..so what about size 00? ]:

everything [incl. a condom comm.!] +2NE1’s review.

no blogging a week? point proven to my friends that i do NOT plan to spend the summer just blogging. =]

nothing special has happened in the whole week. besides a few disastrous spendings on my visa card [two very similiar orders from American Eagle, both with flip flops to take advantage of the free shipping, the second placed only after realizing that i had a 20% off discount that i could have used but didn't + a very expensive mecahnism for the cooler at the store] which placed it down to 80 dollars to spend.

it’s very hot today. and i was going to call up aly to see if she was busy and if not, we should go swimming. but i decided to spend it sleeping and reading the new issue of Wired magazine. quite mundane don’tcha think? i also studied briefly for my written test for driving [which i'll be taking tomorrow!] and hopefully passing it as well.

—————

i can now write about 2ne1’s new mini album which i illegally downloaded [don't act like you don't do that.]

final verdict? it’sokay. (:

my favorite is definately stay together just because it showcases their vocals a little more and doesn’t exactly have a consistantly annoying background beat unlike pretty boy. pretty boy though is actually an okay song. CL’s rapping is exceptional, coyly inserting beyonce references into the song. let’s go party has a catchy tune but unlike what the title says, it doesn’t get me into a dancing mood unlike fire which has a stronger beat to move the body. i don’t care is their new single and all i can say is that it’s so cute when they do the waving hands thing in their dances when they say care-eh-eh-eh-ehhh. [: lollipop is old news and we all know how annoying that song was anyways.

————-

during this week, i have also successfully navigated the web phenomenon known as AMAZON. we cleared out our garage last weekend and i’m selling a few old nintendo “collectible” games for my brother. only ten dollars each. i was hoping for something more but y’know, money is money and you can’t complain. i’ve also managed to clear out some stuff on craigslist. woot. i’m also constantly checking the job listings but i think i’m giving up on that considering i’d only be able to work about a month after iowa since school starts…sometime near the end of september.

uw advising is this thursday and friday~! excitement. i’m staying over in one of the halls overnight too. i don’t think my parents know that yet. but they will soon. i already paid for it and it’s nonrefundable (but i dont think my parents would care. if they didn’t want me to stay over, i would not be staying over). of course, sydney and i set it up so we’d be able to go at the same time because we fear not knowing anyone. but a part of me wants to make new friends and get to know some new people (afterall, it IS college right?) hence the whole staying overnight thing. and plus, it starts at 12pm on thursday til 8:30pm and then starts at 8am the next day…so i would rather just stay over.

what if everyone hates me and thinks i’m weird? shut up, hao’s head. =D see? i’m already fretting over it as if it’s the first day of school… and i’m also losing my mind slowly.

also, what makes a guy mature? apparently, i turned down a guy because he’s IMMATURE and my boyfriend is MATURE. hence the guy asked me “what makes your boyfriend mature” and my answer was a lame “he doesn’t do gangster signs for fun, laugh at fart jokes, and joke with his friends when they can see a girl’s pink bra through the back of her thin tshirt”. i think i’m lying about the latter. he probably would joke with his friends if the girl wearing the bra was a hot blonde /slash/ taylor swift lookalike. *sigh..

——–

i love how humans are so naturally curious. police sirens and anbulance wailings tempt us to look out the window. i’m wondering why theres cop cars the block up from our house. the ambulance and the fire truck already left so i know it’s not some kind of emergency but the cop car(s?) are still there. and i really don’t want to crane my neck out from the deck to watch because i’m blind as a bat especially at night.

—-

I”M SO EXCITED TO TAKE MY WRITTEN TEST. I JUST HOPE I DON’T FAIL.

—

IT’S A GIRL !

my sister just came back from the doctor after checking the sex of the baby.

I’m going to have a niece!

ahhh, i must go online shop for the baby shower. and omg I can finally splurge on baby girl’s stuff! cuteness! omg!

yayayayayyayaya awesommmmmmmmmmmmmmmeness.

2009: beautiful is, indeed, still IN

I was reading an article on MSN.com regarding how the to “stay beautiful on a tight budget“. I know I know, so vain. And it’s not like I do anything in the first place. But i was just intrigued about what they had to say. Maybe something about killing my horrendous skin ><”.

But what I found out really surprised me was the fact that the beauty industry is pretty much thriving in this economic downfall. Lipstick is selling like crazy and women refuse to give up their makeup, pedis and manis, and hair appointments. And an excuse that was given for the increase for demand of beautification is that :

“And for over-40 women, looking good when jobs are tight may actually be a business decision: As pressure increases, so does the need to seem totally on your game. ”

Uhm, are you serious? What the hell does makeup have to do with being “totally on your game” in the business world. I know I’m that naive towards the whole “being attractive opens doors for you in life” notion. I did a whole paper on it in English class last quarter. And got an A on it. I understand that women need to be prim, proper, attracitve, and smart to gain promotions and break the so-called glass ceiling. But it’s so sad to know that the world is so shallow and women who may be less pretty but smarter than the girl next to her, may end up losing. It reminds me of Matilda (oddly enough) when the car saleman’s wife says to the teacher something along the lines of “I chose looks. You chose looks. And look where that got me. I am married to a handsome successful saleman and you teach bratty little kids all day”

Okay. Bad metaphor. But I mean, you can be pretty and a genius and ugly and a genius. But you’re sitll a genius. And wouldn’t a company want a genius rather than someone to just look at? Unless you’re hiring salespeople or marketers or models or something. Yep.

halloween day bi-polarness.

happy halloween everyone.

it’s finally on Friday this year and everyone is out partying and trick-or-treating or just having fun doing whatever. me?

i’m actually not feeling too well. i had a long day. it felt long. and tiring. and wet. and cold. and just overall a flatline day. punctuated by a few splendid moments where my heartbeat rate rose a few times but overall, pretty dismal.

1) i feel disgusted with myself. i went to the doctors today for my 3:00pm appointment and i had no eaten ANYTHING the whole day. from my 6am wakeup time to that appointment. nothing. nada. and the scale proved it. 96 pounds.. NINETY SIX FUCKING POINTS. i mean, i’m wasting away. but what’s interesting is that i don’t have an APPETITE. and afterwards, i called up mom and was like “mom. im going to go go grab something to eat at the restaurant.” which automatically translated to “mom. i’m going to hang out with a whole bunch of friends in chinatown” apparently which made her fucking pissed and told me to *ahem* “get my ass to the store this instant”. so much for eating a full meal. ended up picking up a few pastries to nibble on, but by the time i reached the store. i had lost my appetite. and yes, i’m slightly freaking out right now. i don’t want to take a shower because i dont wanna see my body. yes, i’m demoralized. i’m actually reading on tips to gain weight. i need to start a regiment. i need to stop saying need and start doing..

2) halloween was fine. i was disappointed this year to see that less people dressed up than last year. way to conservative. times like this, i wish i was back to Garfield where you would hold costume contests in classes and win prizes and have fun in school. Afterall, it’s Halloween. it comes once a month right? i WAS satisfied with my late-attempt at a costume though. figured i’d dress up as Minnie like i did for Spirit Day, Garfield. i have no pictures to post though cuz i took it off before  i had my doctor’s appt. funny, ‘cuz people actually noticed.

3) i can’t imagine how fast girls are growing up. it seems like every year, freshman girls are more eager to push the limits of their sexuality and see how far they can get. it’s just…slutty. i was downtown waiting for the bus, and this gaggle of girls were dressed up and they couldn’t have been even in high school (considering one of them wore a middle school emblazoned zip-up, unzipped of course). short short dress, thigh-high fishnets//stockings with box on them that make me think of things a girlfriend would wear to turnon her boyfriend. i couldn’t even tell what she was. it was a dorothy-like dress crossed with…princess..crossed with..gothic girl? i mean, you’ve taken the fun out of halloween by dressing as something that’s not..something. what are you parents thinking? and even a parent let their daughter wear that, what is the GIRL thinking. i know you’re trying to think you’re all powerful and seductive and just…attractive when you wear it, hon. i know how it feels. i wore a short skirt today too. but i went with my better judgement and pair it with three layers of socks. i know you see people staring and we all know we secretly love it even though we don’t admit we see it, but what does that say about you? what’s going through that man’s mind in the corner is not “wow, that’s a smart pretty girl that i can imagine being successful in the future” but “i’d tap that.” basically. basically. basically. i remembered when i went through that phase. changing clothes on the bus. putting on heels like it make me feel taller and sexier….. but i don’t know about that anymore. i’d like to stop focusing on what i want people to thinking of myself and instead, think of how i feel about myself.

i’m reading this book. it’s good. it’s sad. it’s called Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters. I’m going be in the corner at school reading with my sweatshirt hood up now. that’s how into it i am. it’s just. eerie. skinny girls. fat girls. their self-esteem issues. thank god for my parents when i was growing up. but yet, i’m still influenced today.

wow. man. i’m…feeling desperate tonight. i’m awfully tired. i think it’s the lack of calories. i want to go to sleep but it’s only 9pm and if i sleep now, i’ll probably wake up later in the night, thus screwing the whole “get a good night rest” advice that i should take from guy-who-is-a-friend-but-i-forgot-to-ask-him-his-name-but-he-was-very-nice. i have SATs tomorrow. good luck to me. i should need it considering i failed today’s math test. yep. yep. i feel lonely..

what. a. day.

 i hope everyone is enjoying their night and if you run out of candy, i suggest that you buy more next time because those little kids really do look forward to halloween. it’s the only day you dress up and get free candy for it. trick or treat. and don’t give them crappy mints or worse, a toothbrush. god. imagine you were a kid again. how would you feel? so make their night. give them something to smile about. =)