a lost cause.

life is dynamic. it never stops.

and sometime’s you can’t keep up.

lost.

left behind.

swallowed up by your loneliness.

one month thirteen days.

so little time comparative to 1 and a half years.

yet so much can change.

 

i think i’ll go away for a bit.

midterm for physics is tuesday. midterm for communication is wednesday. i have too much on my platter and even though i know that i’m not able to concentrate these few days because of recent events, i’m thinking too much. it’s come to the point where i’m being swallowed up by fictitious tv dramas just so i can forget about what i’m going through. nothing but hollowed eyes and an aching body to come out of that. so. let’s prioritize.

who wants to cry when they can do physics hwk all day |:

pick up the ball and throw it.

please don’t cry little girl.

life’s too short to waver on such trivial matters.

a road is never so straight that it doesn’t have bumps.

but that’s all they’ll be.

climb, crawl, run, walk.

however you choose, just don’t stop.

anyone and everyone deserves the pursuit of happiness.

but it’s up to you to choose the pace at which you go.

———————————–

i slept at two yesterday. it was annoying. i laid there fussing over things that are completely irrational. lately, i’ve been seeing traits that show up that are traits i have always berated other people for having. traits that i’ve always pointed out to be bad.

dad says that deep down, everyone is the same. we’re all human beings after all. we all consist of the same emotions. individualism is just how much of each emotion we show to the world.

currently: in chem class reviewed for midterm

currently: eye twitching. contacts blurry. time to get new ones but bank account is slowly sinking.

past: got a haircut yesterday that i am mixed feelings about.

future: i don’t know what’s going to happen in my life, specifically a certain part of my life. but i have a keen feeling that it’s bound to happen at one point or another and i’ll just be sad when it does.

currently: feeling ashamed because i promised to cover clicker* questions for her and i forgot her clicker at home.

past: in a constant state of miff.

i think i will go ddr my heart out today. i’m just that confused.

maybe ranting to sydney will help. afterall, my friendship with certain others are dynamic and right now, some are on the fritz [and not because of me] . some i just can’t talk this crap too because they are too biased toward one side or the other.

—-

*clicker: a thing that looks like a remote control that you buy for most science classes to press in your answers during lecture classes. this is use to check for attendance most of the time and you get minimal points for a correct/incorrect answer. and plus, your answers only count for a small percentage of the whole class (usually participation points) so it doesn’t even really matter. unless you’re an obsessive person like me that cares about every little point because it could be the potential make it/break it point between a 2.9 and a 3.0.

thumbs down.

god, fawk. i hate it when it downpours and im stuck wearing wet flats all day. gah.

i’m spending too much money. spending too much money.

45 dollars on two pairs of boots. 20 dollars for a haircut. 2 dollars, 3 dollars, 4 dollars, here and there.

and i haven’t even gotten paid because i haven’t effing turned in my paperwork for work. it’s been a month late too so i shouldn’t even be complaining about that. gah.

physics is due tonight. screwed.. chemistry is due wednesday. screwed. chem midterm friday. physics exam tuesday. physics hwk also due next monday. comm midterm next friday. comm readings due this friday.

screwed screwed screwed.

although hanging out with diana was absolutely hilarious today. the two girls that sat at the same table were apparently really annoyed with us.

[hao leaves for the bathroom]

random guy to the two white nerdy girls: hey! what’s up. i’ll join you guys.

girl 1: oh no. we’ll move tables.

random guy: oh! it’s fine. i can pull up a chair.

girl 1: no. we’ll move. this table stinks.

[hao comes back]

this is what she told me went on while i was gone. i mean, wtf? this table stinks? those freshies be dissing on random girls. did i mention RANDOM IDIOT FRESHY GIRLS? i mean, okay, no lie. i’m a freshy, but these girls look like wanna emo nerds that only have each other for friends. and one of the girls had this FUGLY tattoo on the inside of her scrawny little forearm. and well, i was like “whatever”. but diana was totally shit-mad and she was hella going to call them out. which makes sense because biiiiiiitch, what the fuck did we do to YOU. we’re just sitting there laughing and talking about physics homework while YOU TWO don’t even know the simple ass prefixes for chemicals [mono, di, tri, hexa, hepta, penta, ect.]

fuck leave if u want but don’t be effing dissing us just because. rofl, diana cracks me up. [:

i totally died in physics class today and got 3/3 questions WRONG. so more  like, 0/3. gahhh. annoyance.

okay, i must go eat because i haven’t had a chance to eat all day. man! i’m getting skinny.

amour is in the air & it’s clogging my head.

it’s one of those i-don’t-want-to-know-the-answer-type questions that occasionally occur to a person during the times where their body is mentally and physically strained and beaten down by life.

okay. exaggeration.

BUT.

let’s set up the scenario.

couple goes out. enters first stages of romance when in the beginning, both parties are hesitant to use the “L” word [lust ! woohoo! jk. okay. seriously.] because they both want to mean it when they say it. girls have that funny, although no doubt extremely sexist and cliche, that guys run away screaming in the other direction  when they hear the words “i love you”. anyways, not true. but yes, so after beating around the bush, they triumphantly pass that part of their relationship and are able to express their deep emotional feelings for each other and say I LOVE YOU loud and proud.

at what point after does that phrase become something expected rather than truly meant?

in other words, what if it ends up being something said out of obligation rather than truth.

what happens then?

…funny enough. being me, i did not keep my mouth shut and keep this to myself. i HAD to express my self to my boyfriend and immediately regretted it. it was a horrid thing to say out loud and it didn’t even reflect the way i feel because my love is in the moment. it is immediate. it reflects how i feel about you in the present tense. i mean, that’s what life’s all about right? and when he responded “kinda”, [i rephrased the question into a "is i love you something that we've come to expect from another now? or something similar to that] …i  bawled my eyes out some more. lol.

told you. i blame the hormones.

exhausting.

a dam breaks and the river runs until it has eroded all in it’s path and goes dry. i did not get a good night’s sleep last night. i blame the hormones because i can tell my period is coming because 1) my boobs get fatter and 2) my thighs start to get sore. it makes me look fatter and apparently you get a glow that makes you look prettier. lol. anyways, i did not get a good sleep. but last night made me thankful for a lot of things including people you love. it also made me question some other things such as what love is. it’s a confusing time and i just want my period to come and get it over with.

in addition, the night foreshadowed what my day was going to be like. i woke up with puffy eyes and eyeliner made me look more like a raccoon than ever. i went to chem class and didn’t listen [i DID get all clicker questions right though ^^] and my laptop screwed me over because i can’t change the orientation of the screen in tablet mode when i don’t have an adapter plugged in? how annoying. but i just really wanted to go to sleep. the hour after that was fun-filled though because there was ‘penny per pin’ bowling. you pay a penny for every pin you knock down total. only happens 10:30 – 11:30 so me and sydney went and played. it was hilarious because we got SO many gutter balls and the ball practically dragged us down half of the lane. and then i was late to communications class and i couldn’t get a seat i wanted so i had to freaking slide in between the aisles to a seat all the way in the middle where i was squished in between people. i felt claustrophobic. we DID watch a hilarious spoof news cast about the “dangers of facebook”. and the class was over an hour early so i had nothing to do for an hour because work began at 2. *sigh. i hate it when routine goes awry and then i have nothing to do.

work was very fun today. i got to plug in my ipod today into the stereo so we bumped to my tunes for the shift today. but at the end, it was the hugest mistake ever. i’m actually kinda scared i might get fired for it. so i went for a pop run before i got off at five. a pop run is when you take a huge cart and you take the elevator down to the basement and get coke cans [like a hundred of them--all sorts] and bring them back up to the gift shop to stock. so i got all the soda and put a box of nantucket nectars on the top. nantucket nectars are glass bottles of juice. i think you can see what’s coming. i put them on the cart and take the elevator back up. when i push the cart out of the elevator, the wheel goes sideways and FALLS into the crack between the elevator and the floor and the whole cart tips and the box of juice goes CRASHING to the floor. seriously crashing. like loud-ass BANG GLASS FLIES EVERYWHERE crashing. *sigh. i’m starting to freak out at this point and on the verge of tears. so i go running to my co-worker and she’s pretty chill and handles stuff. but MY GOD, it was catastrophic. glass and juice and soda were everywhere. i really hope my boss doesn’t totally go bonkers over it and fire me because i’d be SO screwed. shitake.

and this happened toward the end of my shift, at 5pm, which is when i was HOPING to get off work a bit early so i could quickly run to the HUB for the VSA meeting. so i got off late, and RAN to the effing meeting. to realize it was standing room only and i was SWEATING SO MUCH. i felt so gross. ]:

it wasn’t a great day. now i have to finish chemistry and turn it in before 11:50pm. gahhh.

nothing to say.

my birthday was a sleeper hit. let’s just say, it involved being in a bed alot (:

we [the parents and me] planned to go to todai because i get free food right? and then we go and the dude is like “sorry. i’m going to have to give you a birthday voucher because in order to get the free meal, you need three paying customers” which i then said “nevermind” and walked away. i’m cheap and proud. plus. 29 dollars is not worth it for todai. i could potentially eat some very yummy sushi for 29 dollars a person. tch.

so this week has been pleasant so far. i’m trying to fight pending sleep but i think i will lose soon so this will just be a quick blog. i’m so tired.

just had work from seven am to 11 am today. it was fun excluding the part that i think my boss probably hates me because i’m a slacker. haha. but yes, it was fun.

we had the physics test which i really think i failed. miserably. and i totally overthought it and it was really quite simple too. so i don’t wanna talk about it.

other than that, i’m leaving. because i’m going to nap before physics class.

toodledoo.

apples are crap.

i think humans are fucked up sometimes because there’s that intuition to break the mold. that’s why girls have that inner part of them that pulls them towards the guys with the motorcycle and rebellious streak. or just to do some wrong. biting the apple of temptation. just like eve in the garden of eden? and then we go thru that phase where we regret it and get on our knees and beg those we have wronged for forgiveness. ohyes, fantastic creatures we are.

let’s just keep our sins on the down low and not harm the ones we love, okay?

you know what really ticks me off? when i have to update software for the ipoddy and it erases all my “number of plays” for my music.  i don’t know why really… i just feel as if my music “number of plays” is kind of like a badge of honor for me. and plus, that list was a bomb song list. the “top 25 songs played” list, that is. and ALSO. i had to redownload all my effing apps? rawr. not happy. we were talking about how we live in a society where we value the packaging more than what we actually need and the teacher asked us for some material goods that represent this notion and someone was like “apple.” which made people laugh because YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE. sorry apple-kiddos but I’M A PC AND I’M PROUD.

just a little bloggy before i head off to start the week with some chem+physics. at least the chemistry hwk is easy. 85 dollars down the drain to use a stupid ONLINE homework system for the classes. it’s like you’re basically paying to turn in your homework. i totally think it’s ridiculous. at least they should make it free or something. webassign my ass. hatechu webassign! *hits computor*

i also downloaded a new favorite song hot mess by cobra starship. it’s quite addicting. i like dancing to it. and i believe it ties into the beginning of this blog. [:

“well you’re a hot mess and i’m falling for you; and i’m like ‘hot damn let me make you my boo’ “

i just love it when he says “let me make you my boo”.. *sigh.

not dead yet.

but i sure feel like it.

college has been extremely stressful i’m amazed i haven’t gotten anymore gray hairs yet.

i almost did break down on tuesday and started banding my head on the table [padding with a notebook of course because that would hurt!] and started tearing up because physics has turned into my worst enemy. no lie. that shit is NO FUN. i mean, okay it’s all formulas and yes i can memorize the damn formulas but WHEN DO I USE THEM. and not to mention, MY TEACHER SUCKS AT LECTURING.  ]:

i did meet some new people, ran into some old people, and kept life on a constant.

of course, i disturbed the silent study floor once again at odegaard like i did in the computer lab at seattle central. but i couldn’t help it! i TRIED to keep my voice quiet as a friend and i eagerly caught up what had happened in the last…6 months we haven’t seen each other. all in all, it was a fantastic break hour filed with many laughs. he’s taking korean! which i eagerly flipped through his textbook and embarrassed myself with. =P

and my physics buddy who cannot see in the dark [even with her contacts] is quite gorgeous. she also has this crazy cool bar in her ear where it goes from the back of the ear to the front. and it’s red because she didn’t want green because she “didn’t want people to think it was earwax”. hilarious. and i BASICALLY did her last physics problem for her 2 minutes before the deadline so she hecka owes me lunch now. and well, mainly communications class has been a failure in terms of meeting people. not that i haven’t met people. i have. it IS communication class afterall. but the girls i meet…blah. they’re all blonde and sorority girls and i just really can’t hang out with them because they’re SO self-centered. like SERIOUSLY. the girls in my mini quiz section are.

besides school. work has been fun~ my coworkers are simply hilarious and we get along great. they’ve mainly been working for a long time so they’re really fast with stuff but i stumble along great. but this week, i have to work 7-11 >< SEVEN. in the MORNING. i just hate the part that my supervisor doesn’t like her workers eating/drinking behind the counter so i have to like STARVE until the end of my shift where i voraciously devour my sandwich in the backroom. *sigh.

i also think i’ve been sadly losing weight just because i don’t have enough time to eat. i mean, my hour break i’ve been using to print all my notes out for classes and doing last minute hwk. it SUCKS. and i just really really want a place to sleep because i’ve been staying up til one doing physics homework.

also, friends have been drama problems and i’ve been kind of going back and forward between the couple trying to sort out issues and smooth things over. im trying to be nice, remember? and my own problems include MY own friends being unsupportive of MY  relationship. grah. i mean, it’s hard enough to be hundreds of miles away from each other. i don’t need to take any crap from anyone about it. all this is making things fuzzy and annoying for me. which also i might note, at times i wonder if i bend over backwards and worry about other people to much. ie, him. i mean, i feel narcissistic when i say that i try to be the good girlfriend that doesn’t cling and be needy but secretly, i crave doting from my other half. i feel jipped sometimes that he doesn’t call me to say he misses me or how i am and just to check in. or that he doesn’t do romantic things like send me an email with a love song. you’d think that’d just happens in the movie but in real life, stuff like that ACTUALLY HAPPENS. some guys DO do super romantic stuff and be sweet and all that shiz. i would know. i guess maybe i’m just expecting too much now.  i just wonder if he thinks of me still . it’s kinda sad ain’t it? i’m just being too girly.

anyways. the ‘rents wanna head back to good ol’  vietnam for winter. my cousin is getting married and my mom wants to visit grammy. BUT THE WEDDING IS ON THE 10TH OF JANUARY. so my dad is completely balse about school because he thinks it’s TOTALLY a piece of cake to be able to catch up on a week+ of hwk for PHYSICS AND CHEMISTRY. apparently, after i get the hang of physics this quarter, the second quarter should be easy peasy. WHAT THE HELL DUDE. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? and it’s not like my parents are totally going to let me stay at home because THEY DON’T TRUST ME (okay, maybe they have a reason to not trust me) . GAH. i’m willing to go because i love viet nam but i SERIOUSLY don’t want to miss a week (or more) of school. especially in the beginning of the quarter? ]:

today, i slept in til 2pm. it was the most amazing of my life because i have seriously been sleep deprived. i did hwk and had a gossip girl marathon before my ass brother came home and took over the TV like he owns it (he kind of does considering his bought it, but WTF). congrats to ally for getting her permit! she’ll finally have the chance to scare some people on the street. [:

…my birthday’s next week and i don’t think i’ll be doing anything. maybe just go get a haircut. ^^ i also need to invest in some boots because its going to RAIN next week. rah. rain + physics = i need some prozac for depression.

only it’s not JUST another day.

it was…tiring.

i have never been in an auditorium lecture class with 400 other students. it was really like in those movies ~!

chem 142:

i ran into johnson who had the class with me so we sad together. apparently the guy on his left had bad breath which cracked me up. i almost fell asleep in class and someone called me while my ringtone was NOT turned off so it rang hecka loud. >< what’s worst is that the professor is russian and has this thick accent that i can’t follow ! ]: and on the first day, they blew up balloons by lighting a helium, oxygen, and hydrogen filled balloon [three total] and then holding a lighter under it so it goes BOOM. GOD I HATE IT WHEN BALLOONS POP. it was scary.

break:

happy birthday eric! stopped by and hung out in a dorm room with sammy jelina micky and eric. gave him free milk from red square. i really thought the freebies being give out would be bigger. but i guess the economy really limits how much you can give you because there were more spin wheels where you could “lose” and not get a big bottle of watever. i spun a wheel and the girl was like YAY U WON A FREE SAMPLE.  -.-” right. so great. so break was fun and whatnot.

communication 202

seating FAIL for this class. i sat in the back because i didn’t want to be bother and ALL OF A SUDDEN i’m swarmed with preppie pretty gorgeous blonde nicely built athletic busty bootied sororitie girls that were all eager to sit together and talk about…parties and boys and whatnot. ]x i really like the teacher though. he’s british. i like his accent and his very cheesy funny racy humor. he wants queen elizabeth executed apparently. [:

all in all it was an okay day. i'm just too tired from waking up early.

OH I HAD A GREAT DRIVING DAY THOUGH.

i successfully parallel parked in all tries. i need to practice backing around the corner along the curb though. but i drove on the freeway. it was exciting. dad says i could drive down to portland [highly doubt it. he's just joshing probably.] if my brother doesn’t go this weekend. still, that’s SOMETHING.

ok. night.

because your words sting! &stealing from comcast.

sometimes i’m too sarcastic and mean or somewhere on Mars for my own good and i need to be brought down to earth with a slap in the face and some reality-fact quick checks. thanks sydney.

so my parents have been oddly sneakily open to me going to uw campus. oddly enough. when i asked to go today…

me: dad can i go to uw today. around 4..

dad: more books!?!? how many times do you need to go?!

me: no. for fun. i’m going rock climbing.

dad: who did you schedule with already..

me: oh..anna and sydney invited me…yesterday…*hesitant, prepares for rejection..*

dad: okay. how you getting home?

me: you’re picking me up of course.

…UW. YES.

so it ended up with just me and sydney because anna didn’t pick up her phone and cc had lunches/dinners to attend to for her scholarships and eric was busy with the dudes. it was horrible because i didn’t have my contacts so EVERYTHING looked the same. i went squirrel chasing and these two cute white guys walked by and were like “hey. how you guys doing? cya around.” and i’m like DUDE, NO. I WANTED ASIAN. FAIL. but oh well.

i did NOT realize the IMA was SO EFFING far. i mean, it was practically on the OTHER SIDE of campus. and once we got inside, it was asian galore and i was silently cursing i didn’t wear my contacts to oogle. i mean, guys play half naked basketball?

“dude that was dylan yoo”

me: “who the heck is dylan yoo”..

OMG. AS I JUST WROTE THOSE WORDS ABOVE. I REALIZED WHO DYLAN YOO IS. HE WAS THE ONLY CUTE ORIENTATION LEADER THAT WAS PART ASIAN.

you know what i feel like now? that pervy nerd teacher that wears he glasses and gets nosebleeds when he looks at the high school girls in those mangas. dear god..

anyways, we walked around the IMA. they have an exceptional pool WITH A KIDDIE POOL ATTACHMENT which i happily pointed out to sydney.

oh which also makes me think of something random. she was saying how she would just sit there on her laptop while i drown and have to get rescued by the lifeguard. and the first thing i said was “no thanks. i dont want random lips on me. what if he had herpes.” which  came out of nowhere but actually made me stop and think WHAT IF HE DID. OMG.

what if the lifeguard had mono or some canker sore on his lip. and then he gives you CPR. and then… ]: creepy. that should keep me from drowning.

we ended up NOT being able to find the rock climbing wall. but then again, we weren’t entirely dressed in our shorts tank top with flip flops clothes combo. next time maybe.

it was a uphill walk back and we ended up going to the bookstore where SYDNEY made the ultimate diss to our friend in front of PEOPLE. it was horrible. i seriously thought it was so so so mean.

sydney: hey there’s raheem!

me: HI RAHEEM!

raheem [walking with a few friends.] : hey. you guys live on campus?

syd: no

me: commute. you?

raheem: oh i dorm at mercer.

syd: mercer!??! isn’t that the crappiest* dorm?!

*i don’t remember what word she actually said. it was either crappiest/worst/ect..

his friends LAUGH. i was FUMING at sydney. raheem just laughed…awkwardly. god that was just killer mean. i swear, she CAN be such a bitch sometimes. but then again, it made me reflective of me. the hypocrite. so i shouldn’t be talking..

and she also pounced when i happened to mention me and shawn are still together because she was asking if i found a rebound yet.

“but don’t you think it’s romantic for us to stay together?”

“a long distance relationship?”

“yeaaaa 1 and half years…”

“so? right. okay.”

sydney, oh you make me want to squeeze you to death sometimes.

this is why my resolution is to at least try to be nice[r].

bookstore where i got my lab shizzles and then froyo on the ave. classic hanging out. i should have gotten the gelato though because the froyo WAS NOT GOOD. i genuinely feel bad the girl though because her roomy bullies her around and “buys expensive ingredients for food…” which they have to split the costs. three girls. 500 a month. i saw that whiteboard with X’s and $$ amounts listed for each person and i was already shaking my head. and the room is tinyyyy. oh syd. i feel for you.

i swear i’d be a great roommate. it’d be chill and whatnot. i would cook for you and you just help out. and i swear, i live cheap and will use NON ORGANIC products because i’m cheap that way. and i’m not that much of a neat freak as long as it doesn’t stink up the apartment or something. if only i could apartment. =[

so far, it's a good start. practicing driving a lot tomorrow since it's the last weekend i have free from hwk. this last week has mainly been parallel parking. which is the worst. THE WORST. OH!

i have an i-love-my-dad story. so we were practicing parking and practicing with only one car def. does not work so my dad is like "okay. we'll just have to go get a traffic cone or something tomorrow" and i'm like "uh okay."

apparently one of the people near the store has a traffic cone because my dad goes over to their house to ask for it. but they're not home so we're outta luck. AND THAT'S WHEN MY DAD SEES THE COMCAST GUY DRIVE UP. comcast guy parks there, TAKES OUT TWO TRAFFIC CONES, puts them at the front and back of his car, and disappears [to do come cablework i suppose?]. anyways, yes. you saw this coming. MY DAD STEALS A CONE FROM THE COMCAST GUY. the front one at least. it was sheer hilariousness. too bad we went home before the comcast guy left. i REALLY want to see his expression. xD oh dad, you’re so silly sometimes.

anyways. good food tomorrow too because it’s ong ngoai’s [grandpa's] death anniversary. and then dawg daze sunday. and then monday. and tuesday. and then school. and next weekend, we’re heading to my sister’s and her new big house with the neighbor that has a tennis court and a neighborhood where the wives get together once a week and have a game night.

AND THEY HAVE CUL DE SAC BBQ WELCOME-THE-NEIGHBOR-IN PARTIES TOO.

it’s completely creepy to me because we’re asian. it’s too suburban.  too…stepford. but they have kids my age? so maybe i can play tennis with them when i go down for the weekend. i’ll make sure to pack my polo shirts to fit in.. ><”

well gooodnight. i must go read some OBAMA now.

…makes me look smart. [: