breezing by.

last monday i was fine. and then I got killer sick that night.

tuesday. work from 7-1 was killer. i was chugging down Emergen-C like my life depended on in (basically).

No seriously, I was dying. and then I had a PHYSICS midterm that same day.

Yea, as IF I’m going to pass THAT one. I’m LUCKY if I even get 6 points (one multiple choice question worth) out of 100. Yep, THAT BAD. I didn’t have a tissue throughout the exam too so I was sniffling and WIPING MY SNOT on my sleeve. Yes, very attractive. Diana was like “Yea, your boyfriend would totally love you right now” which just made me feel worse. *Sigh.

So I went home. I FORGOT I had another class that same day. Stupid quiz section after Physics on Tuesdays. Ugh. I was so irritated because we were suppose to get back our midterms that day and I totally forgot. But hey, I was sick and I just wanted to get the hell home and go to sleep.

Wednesday was not any better. I skipped Chemistry class, telling my friends to cover for me. Thank god I switch clickers off with Sydney, otherwise I would lose clicker points and I CANNOT afford to lose clicker points in that class anymore.  It’s because we sit on the balcony and the machine hates people who sit on the balcony and never likes to accept our clickers. =/ And so I slept most of the day. And I actually forgot my Comm class started at 11:30 and not 12:30 like I initially thought until I was like “wait….me and sydney bowl until 11:30 usually…”. I missed the bus and ended up making it only one minute late to the class. Luckily, there were hecka people late because it was pouring rain and sad. And so we took our midterm. I wasn’t so worried about Comm class because it’s easy to understand and comprehend the shtuff he talks about but it’s just a lot of shtuff. Turns out, I did a lot better than I initially thought. I was hoping for a mid-B, but I actually got a 90%. A low A, but an A nonetheless. (: Anyways, I had work that same day, 2-5 and I was dying the entire time and coughing and sniffling my ass out. And I skipped VSA meeting too which I didn’t really want to do but I had to because because of daylight savings, it’s like, completely dark at 5pm now and I really didn’t want to walk all the way through campus while being sick and unaware of my surroundings when it was so dark out. Maybe in two weeks. So I went home. And slept.

That night my parents made me do this asian sauna thing where you boil lemongrass and put in a little green eucalyptus oil into the water and swirl it around and then you cover yourself with a blanket and steam over the pot. I felt a bit better but I was still congested so I don’t think it worked. I just pretty much sat there sweating my ass off literally. It was a pool of sweat by the end and I had to mop of the floor with my towel :[

Thursday. I cancelled lunch with an old friend whom I haven't seen in foreverrrrr. I felt bad because we planned it about two weeks in advance but I was too sick. I ended up making plans with another friend for a massage.

Matt has been studying massage as a hobby of his for a while, and a few months back, I read a public posting recruiting up people to try his techniques on. Of course I volunteered and it was his birthday present for me =)

Let's just say it was the most amazing experience I've ever had with someone's hands on my body ;] He was completely professional about it, wearing a blindfold and whatnot. I came wearing jeans and a long sleeve but he wanted as much skin baring so I had to borrow a pair of shorts and a cami from Kathryn to shimmy into. And I laid face down on his little curved pillow and covered myself with the sheet thing. It was first just regular rubbing and feeling up and down my back for little bumps of tension and stuff. Apparently I’m super stiff and I had a hard time just relaxing. And then when he applied the pressure with his elbow or hand or whatever (I don’t know because I was facedown), it hurt but it was the kind of good hurt…you know? and then he used this really cool tingly cream over me (it smelled good!) and then pulled out my arms and my legs. It was…just amazing. And by then, I was kind of going in and out of falling asleep. All I remember after that was him putting a towel on me and laying these hot stones on my back and I just passed out. Seriously. He said for half an hour? And when I was semi concious, all I could hear was my phone vibrating. Lol. I had to ask Matt to text back my friends because I was just soo….out of it.

I seriously think that was what made me better because I feel goooooood the next day. Now I just have occasional sniffles and little coughs but my body feels so. much. better. I must take him out for the lunch the next time I see him. ^^

On Friday, it was a girl’s afternoon out filled with bowling and DDR and very horrible three table ping pong. We made a huge ruckus and were really loud but it was very fun and kept my mind off things for a while.

The weekend was good. Sister came up. My parents had a party to go to Saturday night so I went out with my sister and her friends. We had a good time. Dinner and then Dilettante’s. They’re taking me out devirginizing my clubginity when my parents are away in VN. =) I’m excited. I came home and just crashed because alcohol makes me so sleepy and we walked a lot and it was cold outside and so warm underneath my covers.

Today was a quiet day filled with lot’s of baby pictures and cuddling with Tamtam. She’s just adorableeeee now. Her chubchub cheeks and her blowing of raspberries. <3

On the love side of my life, I’ve been really strained lately. Long distance relationships really do suck, no matter how much faith you put into it, hoping it will work out. Things never go as planned right? Anyways, it’s through tough times that friends come through and provide the support you need and comfort you through all the tears you cry. I know I don’t have many close friends but I do love the small circle that I do have. My problems mainly have been petty girl things such as jealousy and pangs of sadness but it’s all due to the fact that I’m here and he’s there. It’s not that I don’t trust him. I really do. But of course, I can’t help feeling the way I do because it’s just hard. But I was able to talk through some of it tonight after being pretty much pressured into it (thanks, person.). Apparently, I’m suppose to tell him everything I feel? I know it sounds pretty “duh” when you write it down but sometimes you’re just scared of losing the person if you reveal to them how much you really care. I didn’t want to. Truthfully, I’ve never been really good with controlling my emotions. I suppress them and hide them away from the people they directly impact. Some people say that jealousy means that you care. If your boyfriend/girlfriend never got jealous, that’s not good. I wonder if he even ever gets jealous. And speaking of showing you care, how do you should you care if you’re in a long distance relationship? (I feel like being Natalie Tran and saying “post your comments at the bottom of this page”. HAH.) Actually, I’m quite creative and I have a million ideas of how I would do it. But for some reason, I doubt he would have any creative ideas. Lol. It’s a million to one in terms of guys like that. And it’s funny to think that the one guy that was creative ended up being a guy that I couldn’t be with. *shrugs. Life is that way I guess.

I had a good weekend honestly. Chocolate + cuteness overload. Thanksgiving this year should be fabulous as well. (:

not sad at all.

they say, love brings out the best in people.

but it also brings out the worst.

look at me. point proven. i think the path i’m going on is self-destructive.

not good.

i’ll probably alienate half the ones that matter most to me with my obnoxious self-loathing and insecurity before i even have a chance to say i’m sorry.

emo morning. who wants to read emo stuff.

let me eat my chicken cajun rice tv dinner in peace while i prepare for my future to fail.

 

amour is in the air & it’s clogging my head.

it’s one of those i-don’t-want-to-know-the-answer-type questions that occasionally occur to a person during the times where their body is mentally and physically strained and beaten down by life.

okay. exaggeration.

BUT.

let’s set up the scenario.

couple goes out. enters first stages of romance when in the beginning, both parties are hesitant to use the “L” word [lust ! woohoo! jk. okay. seriously.] because they both want to mean it when they say it. girls have that funny, although no doubt extremely sexist and cliche, that guys run away screaming in the other direction  when they hear the words “i love you”. anyways, not true. but yes, so after beating around the bush, they triumphantly pass that part of their relationship and are able to express their deep emotional feelings for each other and say I LOVE YOU loud and proud.

at what point after does that phrase become something expected rather than truly meant?

in other words, what if it ends up being something said out of obligation rather than truth.

what happens then?

…funny enough. being me, i did not keep my mouth shut and keep this to myself. i HAD to express my self to my boyfriend and immediately regretted it. it was a horrid thing to say out loud and it didn’t even reflect the way i feel because my love is in the moment. it is immediate. it reflects how i feel about you in the present tense. i mean, that’s what life’s all about right? and when he responded “kinda”, [i rephrased the question into a "is i love you something that we've come to expect from another now? or something similar to that] …i  bawled my eyes out some more. lol.

told you. i blame the hormones.

transformation.

it is the lust between us that i thirst for.

the intimacy consumes me.

makes me flex my fingers reflexively,

eager to dig into the creamy flesh of your skin.

the canines extend when i think of

the quickening steps of your heart

running to catch beads of sweat caught between our bodies.

so delicate, the veins that pulse underneath epidermis so thin.

your smell shrouds my mind, releasing me from all humanity.

resistance is futile, consummation is in our blood

let me in so i can feed upon the desires

that have caged us apart for so long.

the moon is out.

under construction.

i am currrently trying to fix my wordpress so i can have a page that will kind of like a seperate blog by still by me. i tried doing the heirarchy thing have having a seperate page with sub-pages? but that’s not working well. i guess i’ll just have a page and constantly update that page. or i could have a completely seperate blog and link it. but we’ll see about that. until then, you can just read sub pages in my heartache journal.

warning: it’s probably a bit too girly. [:

————————

soon to come.

• blogging on 2ne1’s new mini album
• advising and orientation coming up

it’s time to go.

미치겠어 . &hearts;

life rushes by and yet i’m still standing here wondering what happened the best of the past and what i should expect of the future. graduation is tomorrow and night, and really, i don’t want to go. it’s true. 2 years away from the people i love and my second home has truly made me an outsider. throw in my parents and my home-life and i could easily live my life out as a aestetic in the forest or something. 4 years ago, i can still remember standing at a certain corner in the hallway of school in the morning and exactly where my french classroom was. heck, i still remember mcbennet’s highly ironic stories of running into past bf and realizing how small the world is. 4 years later, i am estranged from my friends, hiding in the corner as messages of “let’s hang out” are turned down and phone calls ignored. i really shouldn’t. i know i don’t want to live my life as a loner. i don’t. but lately it’s been more of a passiveness about me. i like solitude. i am wholehearted (literally) clinging onto the one person who is currently my life and world because soon, he will leave me too.

selfish right? the fact that i wrote he will leave “me” too. as if the world revolves around me. hm, how does the story go. the boy meets girl one? boy meets girl. girl meets boy. they fall in love. blah blah. the end? as i sat tending to my sick boyfriend this morning, i realize that things do end. the words “the end” are true. what isn’t true is the happily ever after. all stories may have open endings where anything happens but it will always have a “the end”.

this is the video i watched as i sat in his quiet apartment, headphones plugged in, silently letting my tears fall.

school has been particularly stressful. wanna see my zits?

EW.

yes. ew. it should go onto one of those acne forums where people discuss what latests zit products to use. hahaha.  btw, my skin wasn’t all that bad. i just stopped taking my pills…so..they started popping up. but it’s true. school has been crazy. we’re doing handstands in yoga (that’s how crazy it is!). communications is a bit off schedule but i did my speech and basically nailed it. anatomy is going to kill me since all cells look alike to me. and it’s not like i even go to astronomy. but it’s the last quarter and i must say goodbye to my temporary home of seattle central once again. i truly love central. it’s just, so… i don’t know. you meet so many different people and it’s funny to see how often you run into a person you know even after 2 years. though the people i know always seem to be guys…ohdarn.

life has been pretty steady lately though. only because i haven’t done anything out of the ordinary. i think i’ve settled down into my whole not-being-able-to-go-out thing. but it’s def. been spotaneous with my nephews and brother and sister-in-law over for vacation. here are some pics! (:

oh yes, we’re so cool. hey! you can see my dark tooth! lol.

btw, i got this new hp tablet with a webcam and microphone so maaaaaaaaybes i can do a video. that is most likely after i get everything done as in school and whatnot. so. yea..

we’ll my time in the library is up. i’m going home.

wishes for this week

-graduation will go well

-i start recognizing the difference between serous, mucous, and mast cells.

-my boyfriend gets way much much better….and chooses UW. (the latter being very far-fetched)

-getting won’s email!

-a new phone maybes? (:

-less zit outbreaks

-chilling more with the lil ones. it’s their last week here!

youtube flood.

it’s been a while since I’ve posted something youtubey on here. so let’s go!

first is of course is suju’s new MV for “It’s You” off their [new?] repackaged album. My mate already posted it but I think she posted the leaked version, but I’m not so sure. 

SUPER JUNIOR — IT’S YOU.

Yes, Ki Bum is back. But with what? A few smiley/teary face shots? C`’MON. We need some love here and his lovely voice (albeit there is no rapping parts in that song, but ohwell). And yes I drooled during Choi Siwon. That jacket he’s wearing is a sexy piece of fabric. And Kyu~!  The song is way better than Sorry Sorry (though I still like Monster) and it’s been on repeat for…2 days and is about to invade my Top 25 list. The chest thump thumping (yes, I know it’s call ‘popping’ but y’know. it’s cuter to say thump thumping [: ) ! ! ! WOOT WOOT. xD 

2NE1 -- FIRE. [2 versions: Street & Space]

Of course since I’m such a Big Bang, who wouldn’t be eager to see what the so-named “female counterpart of Big Bang” had to offer. And as addicting Lollipop was, it was way to bubblegum tastelike. WG and SNSD could do that genre better. I must admit, that although their new song is great, I am skeptical of what they have to offer. Their voices are synthesized so much and their dance moves haven’t quite been developed. Minji really amazed me for being 14 (I think?) though. She’s got spunk, that one. I think it’s different because it went the reggae way and had a different beat. Definitely something G-Dragon would do (considering he played a huge part in making the song). Lots of people said they liked Space vers. better but I liked Street. I don’t know. Just my preference. But yes, a good song that has also certainly racked up plays on iTunes.

LEARN KOREAN W/ YUNHO

Ah.hahahahah. I only found this after searching for how ot say “you are cute” in korean. Well I know now, kinda. But I don’t know how the whole spelling thing goes. But this is just SO FUNNY. It will go well with my plan to buy some chocolate milk and show off to Comm. guy that I can say “yummy milk” in Korean. Mwahahaha. Only too bad he thinks im so high-matinence bitch after I asked Yoon to toss away my milk for me. *sigh. I can never keep my mouth shut.

 

on the other hand. —-

 

grey’s anatomy teasers for season finale 

just 2 teasers that (1) made me angry and (2) made me laugh. I’m sure you know which one is which.

MAN ALEX YELLING AT IZZY? GR. But I understand it’s all because he loves and her and whatnot. It’s so bittersweet the way Alex has grown up. But once in a while, we are able to glimpse the old Alex and see how his personality is affected by the way he was raised. But Izzie and Alex. I love them to death. I do. The scene of when Alex lifted Izzie in her prom dress still makes me cry. But Mark and Lexie (Mexie?) are just. so sweet. 

I’m so effing excited for the SEASON FINALE tomorrow. I mean, SEASON FINALE AHH  OMG WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ON THURSDAY NIGHTS NOW. GAWDDD.

I might as well start burning Season 4 discs and watching re-runs. ):

WONG FU PRODUCTIONS — WHEN FIVE FELL.

I love Wong Fu because they do videos that are relate-able, visually stimulating, and just artistic. The trailer proves everything about them. The music always plays a huge part of their videos. I’m excited to watch this new one considering I never saw their full-feature film. I’m anxious for the day that Wong Fu can break it into the mainstream because they really do rock. They went to Cannes after all!

 

 

———

I must go home now so I will attempt to post a new one tomorrow if not tonight. There’s been a bit on my mind regarding my love and what my future holds. Maybe I’ll write poetry? It’s been a while since I’ve written something. I’m being coaxed to write once again by a close friend. I’m inspired by his spoken word writings too. GO RYAN! But anyways. Laters dude.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ihttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3dWEVQpLnc

heartpain

i wonder if anyone ever reads something a person writes.
or hears someone thing a person says.

and they just get a sudden stabbing feeling in their heart.
they can literally feel it.
a stinging pain.
that lasts for a few seconds.
like a pencil. prodding a specimen.

and it’s interesting because that person that the words belong to.
doesn’t know how much those words affected you in the first place.
that person. they move on.

and you do too.
and wonder if that 2-second pain.
was all an illusion in the first place.
something you…imagined.

♥ in honor of valentine’s day…

 

here’s something i stumbled upon while looking for the code to make an html heart –> ♥

ahh what is THAT you ask? that would be a tampon earring. and earring made from a tampon. when i saw it was like, AH OH MY GOSH IS THAT REAL BLOOD (because of course, im dumb enough to think that someone would be gross enough to actually do that..kinda) but of course. duh. it’s not. and the only reason it’s a valentine’s day blog because it’s a HEART shaped earring. for anyone that wants to give their loved a pair today =P

now if anyone is thinking “HEY MAN! THIS IS SO COOL! I WANT A PAIR“

here is the link: http://www.tamponcrafts.com/heart.html

yes, tamponcrafts.com. the web DOES really have everything. i did find the pan flute made of tampon cardboard holding thingy quite creative, along with the turket made of tampons. the best i think was probably the simple ghost for halloween made from a single tampon.

yay for menstrual bleeding! [:

 

BOOO!

grouchiness.

i wanna to crawl into a coccoon.

and stay away.

until summer comes.

sunshine to coax me out.

i feel tired.

hibernation sounds deliciously sweet, like honey to a bear.

i am looking forward.

planning spring quarter.

basing schedules upon unsteady futures.

and.

and.

and.

i want my hand held. 

because it’s easier to go through life knowing there’s someone beside you.

even if it’s just for a short distance.

step by step.

day by day.

time never stops. 

and yet, sometimes it feels like it does.

and you realize that it’s just you.

and the hand holding yours was just an illusion.

i am rambling.

but i am in a rambling mood.

contemplating.

“the worst thing in life is not knowing what you want.”

amen, meredith grey.

i.

am.

quiet.

why.

am.

i.

because somethings are not meant to be said out loud.

some things you can’t say out loud.

and some things you won’t say out loud.

in the end, the only person you can depend on.

is.

you.