a lost cause.

life is dynamic. it never stops.

and sometime’s you can’t keep up.

lost.

left behind.

swallowed up by your loneliness.

one month thirteen days.

so little time comparative to 1 and a half years.

yet so much can change.

 

i think i’ll go away for a bit.

midterm for physics is tuesday. midterm for communication is wednesday. i have too much on my platter and even though i know that i’m not able to concentrate these few days because of recent events, i’m thinking too much. it’s come to the point where i’m being swallowed up by fictitious tv dramas just so i can forget about what i’m going through. nothing but hollowed eyes and an aching body to come out of that. so. let’s prioritize.

who wants to cry when they can do physics hwk all day |:

summer cut.

i got my hair cut today after being prodded much by my boyfriend. it’s a bit long isn’t it. actually, not really but i like short hair anyways so i got it cut.

it’s not the worst hair ever and it’s not the best hair ever. it’s weird when you’re sitting in the haircut seat and whatnot and being talked to by the stylist and when it’s all over and done, you think it looks great and stuff. well, that happiness lasted me about 4 hours.

after much fussing and looking in reflective tinted car windows, i have come to the conclusion that i need bangs. not the heavy set across the eye bangs but more of the side swept or at least some layering in the front of my face. the back of my head looks fine but i dont think the angle from the front of my face looks nice ): 

my haircut DOES look fine with a headband though ^^ but sadly, i would prefer to keep my zit infested forehead under wraps so that idea is unpreferable. waaaaaaaaah if i wanted to get it fixed, i would have to do another haircut. *sigh.

at least hair grows in though right? not like it really matters. i’ll just get use to it and not give a damn after a while. heh.

 

it was mother’s day. we went out for dimsum and foodstuff at Venus Restaurant in Phuoc Loc Tho. Woot woot. my brother paid which is a huge surprise.  man it was crowded… the food was okay. we ended up getting two large to-go boxes and then FORGOT them at the restaurant ><” what a waste of money..

now im hungry. dinner time (:

 

(btw. no pictures of my hair. i am ASHAMED.)

stuffed to the brim.

im dyinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng.

i’m so sick. my nose is dying. and today i had the pleeeeeasure of sitting next to my cute crush-but-not-a-crush-but-still-he-makes-me-blush (HAPPILY TAKEN YO!) in communications class and i’m wheezing and sniffling and whatnot. god, i’m so embarassed. and in class, we had to pull out our books and i didn’t bring mine so he offered me his book and i’m like freaking out in my head but i said “it’s okay” because i was already sharing with Kenchin next to me. but i was really dying swooning while sniffling and rubbing my nose raw. how nice of him. and whenever he laughs, he laughs through his nose and makes that wheezing sound that is very similiar to sound of a air compressor or a bike pump. y’know that air squezzing sound? yea that’s how how quiet laugh sounds like. super kawaii.

and i swear the anatomy lab room is worst and make me more stuffed up. it must be all the dead bones (and fetal skulls in tubware which makes me think of eating lunch). 

gosh, shawn. thanks so much for making me sick. (: but i hope you’re having a fabulous time on the runway or enjoying the show or whatnot. i miss you much (and thinking of ways to plot your death for giving me this horrible cold) and i’ll see you soo.

 

i’m currently down in portland. it’s a bit past midnight. the baby shower is tomorrow today. we’re having a BBQ and whatnot because it’s going to be 68 degrees! and 75 on sunday! but i’m sick so i’m not allowed to hold any babies (DAMMIT!) ]= but we’re going shopping tomorrow (sunday) and whatnot so i’m pretty syked for this weekend. it’s going to be crowded and fun and now my benadyl is kicking in so im going to sleep.

 

CIAO.

headliners and updates.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30048425/?GT1=43001

So apparently, on April 1^st, NYU sent out some 489 email acceptance letters that were actually meant to be rejection letters. I mean, that must suck right? Especially since a student is so busy freaking out thinking about whether they got into that school or not.

I mean, it wouldn’t matter as much is that school was like…some community college (do they even send out acceptance emails? CCs I mean?) but it’s like, “HEY. YOU GOT IN” and then the person is all like “HOLY EFF I GOT INTO NYU *CALLS UP EVERYONE THEY KNOW*” only to find out an hour later that “SORRY. MY BAD. WE ACTUALLY DON’T WANT YOU.”

Jeezus, that sucks. I know I’d be crying or something if that happened to me and if NYU was my first choice or something.

Anyways, so I’m finding out that a lot of people didn’t get into UW or they got put on the waiting list and this is really sucking because it’s making me horrendously worried for my own selfish reasons related to someone directly close to me. And I always thought that one of my friends would definitely get in because he is a RS student and getting college transfer credits as well and I mean, that means he’s better than some high school students lacking that 4.0 (or 3.5) right? But he didn’t. And now I don’t know what he’s doing. ><”

On the other hand, there is something on the news I must rant about.

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2008986370_websixdead04m.html

A man kills his 5 children and then commits suicide. What I didn’t see in the article (but heard on NPR this morning) was that the father found his wife with another man the earlier evening, and when she said she was leaving him, he went berserk and killed his children. Basically.

At first when I heard the news, my family and I thought it was related to the economic downturn. After all, there have recently been numerous national events related to the economy (note the one in NY, the kidnapping of the man with his daughter) and people losing their jobs can alter a person’s state of mind. We thought the father had been laid off and killed his family because of worriment or shame or something along the lines of that. But apparently not. But what DOESN’T make sense is that he killed his kids for something his wife did? He caught his wife with another man, so why kill the kids? Shouldn’t killing the wife (and maybe the other man) make more sense? It fits the whole killing in a passion of rage logic. I’m not saying that I condone any type of killing at all. Seriously, no. But those kids didn’t DO anything. They were ages 7 to 16. One boy, 4 girls. It’s just ridiculous. Even though the man ended up commit suicide, it doesn’t make up for the fact that 5 lives were lost for no reason at all. There was no justice done.

————————————–CHANGE OF SUBJECT

School starts again on Monday! Woot woot. Not! I want it to start on Tuesday or Wednesday actually. Not because I don’t like school or nothing. Well, we all don’t like school to some degree but I’m one of those nerds that do like learning so be quiet. It’s actually because of this freakiiiiiiiiiiing weather. I mean, the news was even like “if you can find a reason to not stay inside, take it” and I’m thinking, “can we go outside for syllabus reading?” and I would totally skip if not for the fact that if you miss the first day and there are people on the waiting list, then you are dropped. At least I don’t have yoga and I’ll be spending the morning relaxing underneath bed covers. Woohoo.

I cleaned the yard today, and we’re going to cut the grass. It feels like spring. But it’s not going to last because it’s going to rain like…on Wednesday.  I’m also just resting on the hammock and read a chapter from Little Women. I find comfort in quiet nowadays, I don’t know why. Just me and the sun and quietness. I think I’ve adapted to my loner lifestyle. Haha.

Oh and apparently, my sister’s baby is kicking like crazy and starting to turn (she’s due in like, 2 months) and that my sister’s belly is starting to sag and be all pregnant. Cool. I’m so excited for the baby shower in 2 weeks and my brother’s coming home in less than 2 months! And yes life is doing good. Everything’s fine and dandy. The sun has helped business at the store and I’m eating a nectarine.

I always seem to be sleeping and eating but I never seem to game weight. Oddly enough, I’m fine with that. C cups will have to wait until I get pregnant. xD

 babies

default rejection

so i’m not going to Stanford. the end. 

it’s fucking ridiculous.

because you know why?

it’s not because they rejected me (or yet.) 

and it’s not because i’m not good enough.

hell they’re not even going to look at my application.

yknow why?

‘Cause my fucking teacher never wrote the recommendation letter.

yes. that’s right. i have them to her the first week of freaking January. and apparently, she’s been to FUCKING busy to write them.

that’s right.

TOO.

FUCKING.

BUSY.

and now i get an email saying, “hey, whatsup, i can’t seem to find your recommendation letter and we’d really like to reivew your applicate because we know you went through hella amounts of stress and whatnot to write essays and fill out applications, but we can’t do that if we don’t have your teacher recommendation. so. just saying, we’d love to. but you have until Friday to give them to us. so. yea. send them okay?”

only, that’s just for Stanford. Seattle University hasn’t gotten it too. so that’s 2 effing schools i’ve been waiting for answers from. 

and so i called my teacher and is like “hey, whatsup. can you resent the letter cuz it seems like they haven’t gotten it yet. please?” and she tells me she’s been too busy.

WHAT.

THE.

FUCK.

and like, i break down right there on the phone. crying. and even now. and all she can say is that she promises to try to get them done. but apparently, she has a fucking faculty meeting today. so she can’t do it today. meaning she has tomorrow. and friday. and not even friday, cuz it DUE friday (at least for stanford). so what now? she was one of my favorite teachers too. like, seriously. i visit her when i visit my high school just to say hi. 2 years after i’ve taken her class.

jesus, fucking, christ.

at least i didn’t need one for UW, otherwise, i’d be so dead right now. and yes, on an upnote, i did get into UW. 

but stanford was my dream school.

agh.

i’m going to have a breakdown.

 

halloween day bi-polarness.

happy halloween everyone.

it’s finally on Friday this year and everyone is out partying and trick-or-treating or just having fun doing whatever. me?

i’m actually not feeling too well. i had a long day. it felt long. and tiring. and wet. and cold. and just overall a flatline day. punctuated by a few splendid moments where my heartbeat rate rose a few times but overall, pretty dismal.

1) i feel disgusted with myself. i went to the doctors today for my 3:00pm appointment and i had no eaten ANYTHING the whole day. from my 6am wakeup time to that appointment. nothing. nada. and the scale proved it. 96 pounds.. NINETY SIX FUCKING POINTS. i mean, i’m wasting away. but what’s interesting is that i don’t have an APPETITE. and afterwards, i called up mom and was like “mom. im going to go go grab something to eat at the restaurant.” which automatically translated to “mom. i’m going to hang out with a whole bunch of friends in chinatown” apparently which made her fucking pissed and told me to *ahem* “get my ass to the store this instant”. so much for eating a full meal. ended up picking up a few pastries to nibble on, but by the time i reached the store. i had lost my appetite. and yes, i’m slightly freaking out right now. i don’t want to take a shower because i dont wanna see my body. yes, i’m demoralized. i’m actually reading on tips to gain weight. i need to start a regiment. i need to stop saying need and start doing..

2) halloween was fine. i was disappointed this year to see that less people dressed up than last year. way to conservative. times like this, i wish i was back to Garfield where you would hold costume contests in classes and win prizes and have fun in school. Afterall, it’s Halloween. it comes once a month right? i WAS satisfied with my late-attempt at a costume though. figured i’d dress up as Minnie like i did for Spirit Day, Garfield. i have no pictures to post though cuz i took it off before  i had my doctor’s appt. funny, ‘cuz people actually noticed.

3) i can’t imagine how fast girls are growing up. it seems like every year, freshman girls are more eager to push the limits of their sexuality and see how far they can get. it’s just…slutty. i was downtown waiting for the bus, and this gaggle of girls were dressed up and they couldn’t have been even in high school (considering one of them wore a middle school emblazoned zip-up, unzipped of course). short short dress, thigh-high fishnets//stockings with box on them that make me think of things a girlfriend would wear to turnon her boyfriend. i couldn’t even tell what she was. it was a dorothy-like dress crossed with…princess..crossed with..gothic girl? i mean, you’ve taken the fun out of halloween by dressing as something that’s not..something. what are you parents thinking? and even a parent let their daughter wear that, what is the GIRL thinking. i know you’re trying to think you’re all powerful and seductive and just…attractive when you wear it, hon. i know how it feels. i wore a short skirt today too. but i went with my better judgement and pair it with three layers of socks. i know you see people staring and we all know we secretly love it even though we don’t admit we see it, but what does that say about you? what’s going through that man’s mind in the corner is not “wow, that’s a smart pretty girl that i can imagine being successful in the future” but “i’d tap that.” basically. basically. basically. i remembered when i went through that phase. changing clothes on the bus. putting on heels like it make me feel taller and sexier….. but i don’t know about that anymore. i’d like to stop focusing on what i want people to thinking of myself and instead, think of how i feel about myself.

i’m reading this book. it’s good. it’s sad. it’s called Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters. I’m going be in the corner at school reading with my sweatshirt hood up now. that’s how into it i am. it’s just. eerie. skinny girls. fat girls. their self-esteem issues. thank god for my parents when i was growing up. but yet, i’m still influenced today.

wow. man. i’m…feeling desperate tonight. i’m awfully tired. i think it’s the lack of calories. i want to go to sleep but it’s only 9pm and if i sleep now, i’ll probably wake up later in the night, thus screwing the whole “get a good night rest” advice that i should take from guy-who-is-a-friend-but-i-forgot-to-ask-him-his-name-but-he-was-very-nice. i have SATs tomorrow. good luck to me. i should need it considering i failed today’s math test. yep. yep. i feel lonely..

what. a. day.

 i hope everyone is enjoying their night and if you run out of candy, i suggest that you buy more next time because those little kids really do look forward to halloween. it’s the only day you dress up and get free candy for it. trick or treat. and don’t give them crappy mints or worse, a toothbrush. god. imagine you were a kid again. how would you feel? so make their night. give them something to smile about. =)

seattle losers? please say no.

huskies vs. notre dame. 33-7.

hey. i was right on the spot. at least we got one touchdown. (=

we’re 5-0!

we’re winners at losing! woohoo!

ohman, how the hell is the seahawks going to win tomorrow especially with hasselback out. is wallace even playing? or are we going third backup now. i don’t even know what his name is! jeez, i still support them and all because they’re the home team but this is really annoying. you can’t do anything about injuries but at least make some good plays, will ya?

how did seattle even get down this low. it’s unbelieveable. i know the huskies were never top dog but we use to win SOME games. and then we had mariner fever in 2001! ichiro? hell yes! and oh course you can’t forget the Seahawks in 2005-06. i mean, SUPER BOWL PLAYERS MAN. now we probably won’t even make it into the damn playoffs at this rate.

and the sonics. one of the teams that rocked. now what is it? kentucky somethings? we were SOLD to KENTUCKY. i mean, who the hell wants to see a basketball team in kentucky?

it’s seriously demeaning to see such great teams become the butt of jokes. everything is losing in seattle and we’re even losing banks! wamu = seattle-based. now it’s a huge joke. “woohoo wamu” my ass.

 

this is depressing.

DEPRESSING.