not sad at all.

they say, love brings out the best in people.

but it also brings out the worst.

look at me. point proven. i think the path i’m going on is self-destructive.

not good.

i’ll probably alienate half the ones that matter most to me with my obnoxious self-loathing and insecurity before i even have a chance to say i’m sorry.

emo morning. who wants to read emo stuff.

let me eat my chicken cajun rice tv dinner in peace while i prepare for my future to fail.

 

fawk.

i think it would suck to die in a desert . it really would. dying by dehydration seems like the worst way to die. slowwwww.

anyways, guess who’s coming back tomorowwwwwwwwww! precisely landing on seattle ground at noon. *sings gee by snsd*. makes me giddy ~

but then again, it’s not as if i’ll be able to see him because some things didn’t go the way they were planned. but it’s still better to feel is…presence in seattle? shit, what am i talking about. lol. crying about it won’t mean i will be able to miraculously somehow see him. it’s doomed right? also considering he’s going to ucla and whatnot. which i shouldn’t continue to rag on him about because it really is a better choice than ucla. i’ll let it go. along with everything that’s been happening these past few days.

favors are things you ask from friends that you hope they will be able to do for you. when does the line between a favor and using someone gets crossed? when in return, you do nothing for them. but what if that was because they just never asked? are you able to still ask them for favors? friendship is a two-way street and of course, being a good friend requires both ways. but it’s funny how it was actually all along not about me because it was decided that her day was more important if she were to do something. toxic relationships are good for no one. but whatever.

being mad just raises my high cholesterol. i don’t want to die from an aneurysm. which i could potentially die from considering my family’s death rates. that, or the bump that is emerging on my right side and that i have to freaking go see the radiologist about again. HOPEFULLY it’s just a inflammed lymph node like they suspect. due to my high killer flea bites that have yet to disappear. i swear, bugs just hate me.

so i called the doctor to get a regular flu shot and they’re like..”we won’t have it until october” which is really weird considering pharmacies already have it..? i guess i’ll end up suffering until the swine flu vaccine is available. i really hope i don’t get sick though due to the HELLA SHIT i have for classes ALREADY. even before they started, i’m expected to read that obama book and 25 pages of this thing some lady wrote. and that’s for communications only. *sigh. college life, hello! and OMG SWINE FLU AT UW. *freaking out*

but i’m stoked. i’m counting how many froyo places there are on the Ave and plan to try every one of them.

last min notes before i conk out for the night.

- kitchen is done!

- huskies go! for tomorrow’s game

-hope shawn’s flight doesn’t die

-vulvodynia sucks! fighting ~

-SHAWN’S BACK. OMFG. I WISH.. *SIGH.

can you hear me now?

Yes I can but I’ll pretend I don’t.

Seriously, whaaa?  I have the best friends I swear. Love them much but sometimes they just tick you off. But then again, it’s kind of like “taste of your own medicine” right? Considering how shitty my phone etiquette is. Telling people and then never calling them, I mean. My voicemail probably starts sounding like a lie the 3^rd time through because it says I’ll call them back ASAP when my as soon as possible is two days later. But the person didn’t leave a voicemail! I don’t get annoyed when people don’t call me back. At least I leave an urgent message or something if I really needed them. Or called them 10 times in a row like a certain person did to me.

Anyways, yes. Phone calling is tricky for me even when it shouldn’t be.  JUST PICK UP THE PHONE HAO. That’s all I need to do.  How easy.

We went car hunting today ALL DAY. It was probably the most exasperating tiring annoying stressful thing I have done yet so far. AND IT WASN’T A CAR FOR ME EITHER. My parents wanted to take advantage of the Cash for Clunkers program thingy that is ending this Monday. WAY TO PROVE THAT MY PARENTS ARE FLAKY PROCRASTINATORS. We wanted to trade in our Quest [which has a value of basically…2K] because then it’d be a good deal since we could trade it in with a value of $4,500. And as expected, a lot of the dealers don’t even do the program anymore because they’re backlogged with paperwork for it. So my parents wanted somewhat of a nice car like that Lexus humpback one…I don’t know what model it is but it’s the SUV one. But they don’t have the moola for it. So of course being the Asians we are, we go for the knockoffs! Toyota Venza was number once, followed by the Nissan Murano, and then the Toyota RAV4. But really, we wanted the Venza. So after calling many many many many many…many places, we found the Toyota in AUBURN still does the program and that they still had Venzas. A lot of Venzas. I think we saw 6 on their lot? Well, typical Mom and Dad. We weren’t able to GET ONE. Mom doesn’t like the color of the cheapest one and the others were too expensive and Dad wants GPS when I think navigation is a total joke because it adds approx. 2K to the price of the vehicle but you buy it as an attachment at stores for…most expensive, $500? RIDICULOUS. Anyways, we ended up driving ALL THE WAY TO BELLEVUE for the stupid Nissan dealer there only to find they sold their last okay-priced Murano [35K] and only had their upper-packed Murano’s left [41K]. Okay, too much. Bye bye dealership. No we don’t want to leave our name but we’ll take your sales card just to be nice.

Car salesman: What color do YOU want?

Me: I don’t care really.

Car salesman:  WOW. A female that doesn’t have a particular color choice? Amazing.

I DON’T CARE. I mean, if they were the same price and the only thing that separated them were the color, than it would boil down to color preference. But I’d really just want a good car, good price, looks decent. But then again, I wouldn’t want a color like pastel purple right? *shrugs. I’m quite happy with my Maxima.

So then we went to a family friend’s dinner thing where my dad drank and my talked about having kids with all the other moms and I was shoved in the corner with little kids that I didn’t want to play with. And so I called up my friends to talk and was rejected numerous times. One rejection. One hang up. One busy.

THANK GOD FOR KENNETH CORDOBA. [:

Thanks for the bags of YUMMMMMMY cookies from Guam and the Gelly Roll pens {MY FAVORITE!] even if they WERE just in black. =D And for keeping me from sliding into a depression-like state of lack of friends while keeping me in touch with my reality of non-popularity at the same time. It’s a fine line to keep, but somehow you did it. Haha. And it’s always nice to talk about relationships and differences and similiarities and life and school and us and whatnot. ^^ Thankszzzz buddy.

And then I GOT TO DRIVE MY PARENTS HOME. Only because my dad was a bit drunk of course. But I drove nonetheless. I was a bit shocked because it was pitch black but hey, who cares.

My dad drove out of the driveway and then he turned to me and said “You wanna drive home?”

*insert joyous woop here.*

JK. I played it cool of course. “Okay.”

They were mightily impressed with my driving home and I even parked okay in my hella tight driveway! My dad was like “what’d you do in Iowa. Drive and sleep?” haha. Now he’s going to teach me how to park on hills [it is SEATTLE afterall.] and parallel park [WHICH I DREAD.]

So yes, it was an okay night. I was hoping to volunteer at Night Market but I don’t mind now. [:

We were meant to go camping but we ended up not going because one of the people who was going with us accidentally chainsawed his leg because he was chopping trees. Same guy that ended up throwing the dinner party. Haha. He showed me leg and I was like “COOL.” And he laughed.

I mean, dude. It was a CHAINSAW.

Crazy.

under construction.

i am currrently trying to fix my wordpress so i can have a page that will kind of like a seperate blog by still by me. i tried doing the heirarchy thing have having a seperate page with sub-pages? but that’s not working well. i guess i’ll just have a page and constantly update that page. or i could have a completely seperate blog and link it. but we’ll see about that. until then, you can just read sub pages in my heartache journal.

warning: it’s probably a bit too girly. [:

————————

soon to come.

• blogging on 2ne1’s new mini album
• advising and orientation coming up

byebye george?

 

(to the tune of “oh where oh where has my little dog gone” …or should i say where has my little doe-eyed deer gone?)

oh where oh where has the plotline go

oh where oh where can it be?

from the sad callie to the unloved  lexie

oh where oh where can it be..

————> http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=343301&GT1=28103

Rumors have been going around the T.R. Knight has asked to leave Grey’s Anatomy, breaking his contract of three-years. Apparently he’s not happy with his storyline. And the way Shonda Rhimes (tsk tsk tsk!) handled the gay-slur incident between him and Isaiah Washington.

Hey, Guess who wrote that she noticed George’s storyline completely was CRAP last week (see Grey’s 12/04 below). I mean, POORHIM! In the beginning we were all rah-rah! for the poor syph-boy (like superboy, only diseased!) and but isn’t that kind of what we’ve been doing since the beginning. George never gets action!  No cutting someone’s LVAD for love! No maniac leg-cutting patient! No drunken sex! Okay, sure he was paired with an attending that TOTALLY went downhill. But we’ve been pitying him always haven’t we. It’s always “awww poor George”. Something good to him always gets taken away. He’s our tampon-buying roomate for god’s sake.

But we still love him. It’s George afterall. The sweet guy that exists in our lives. That worries about his friends. That suffers emotional wrecks (excluding the heading-to-the-asylum Izzie). That injects a little level-headedness into this show. WE LOVE GEORGE. Of course we don’t want him to leave but apparently Grey’s is clearly not for him. It’s all about drama and George is getting the downside of it. The scraps. The leftover corpes. He’s being tugged around like a freaking puppet one way and another. Example? THE CHIEF IS PLAYING AROUND WITH HIM (see Ep. w/ Stan).

=(

 

—-sidenote:

• My back is killliiiiing me. It’s only when I walk too. or bend over. god.
• Finals are ALMOST over. Must do revision of essay tonight. & study for math. & then i’m done!
• Christmas in 17 days. Ho Ho Ho!

• I GET MY PHOTOSHOOT PICTURES TOMORROW. OMFG !!!

• btw, i wish you could see my sexy big bang wallpaper i got from bigbangkorean.wordpress.com. i think i check that page EVERYDAY. obsessive much? oh, that and popsoeul.com….maybe i’m secretly korean O___O

walk the path less traveled.

it’s been a while since i’ve written something meaningful. and tonight, i feel a little lonely because for the past few weeks, i think i’ve missed a part of me. a person. and while it’s not healthy for me to hang wih her, i still feel conflicted because we’ve had the best times ever together.

it’s like a weird breakup. the whole loving a person but knowing that you broke up with them for a reason.

& i really can’t even compare it to a breakup because we didn’t break up. and no i was not in a relationship with her because yes, i am not a lesbian. she was one of my best friends. a best friend. or so i thought.

and i still think we are. but somewhere along the way, it just fell. what goes up must come down. and soon, it’s like you don’t even know the person and secrets held back are all that you have in common. a wall placed in between. and it sucks. it really does. i want to pick up the phone. but at the same time, i don’t. it’s like purgatory. seeing if you’re good or waiting to repent for your sins.

what i felt stood in a way was the impulse to lie. why does one lie even when they don’t need to? i’ve never been someone to truly criticize someone for telling the truth, no matter how bad. sure i’ve judged people. i judge all my friends. but in the end, they’re still my friends for a reason. i don’t give a shit what they do because i always know there’s some good part of them. and i believe in that. trust bonds friendship and i try to be there for people that need me. and though my trying isn’t very meaningful, shouldn’t it be something?

and friendship is a two way street. like any other relationship, there has to be a semi-equal amount of effort put into it. and maybe at times, i just don’t feel that it was like that. i’m not saying that it was all entirely her fault, but at times, who else could i blame?

i truly do value my friendships. every moment means something. and especially for the past few years with her, it’s been bumpy but we’ve always been good right?

but now, i just feel empty. i want to say i’m sorry. but what do i have to be sorry for? i didn’t do anything.

..or maybe that’s what i should be sorry for. the fact that i did nothing as it fell apart.

r.i.p zipper

My dog died today. His name was Zipper and he is (was…) 15 years old. I dug his grave with my dad and I was the one to shovel the first patch of dirt onto his wrapped-in-fabric body. My family never did confirm what breed he was, but it was mutually agreed that he was a terrier. I think it was an Australian terrier. I have many memories with him such as when my best friend and I use to howl with him, when he use to chase after me and my bike, when he snarled at the neighbors, and when he was bitten by the dog across the street. When he was younger, we use to pick up bags of leftover bones and meat from Pho Hoa (down in Chinatown) for him because the owner was my dad’s friend. He loved those things… He was a Vietnamese dog, eating our leftover rice that my mom would mix in with pork or beef or whatever we had that nice leftover. I always laughed at my mom, saying that Zipper had his own personal chef. Of course, my family was never the best at taking care of our pets. Showers were probably once a couple of months. But we never neglected him, feeding him everyday and changing his water. He slept outside but he came into the house whenever he wanted (as long as we were home). He disliked the Fourth of July, fearing the loud fireworks that our neighbors would set off. He would run into our bedroom and burrow himself into the comfort of our clothes, to our disdain. He always got along with our cat(s), first Button (who mysteriously disappeared one day) and then Pepper (who mourned Zipper’s death as well, laying down 2 feet away from the grave, watching my dad and I shovel dirt). Although in the years as I got older, I never slouched down and gave him a huge hug, but when I was younger I did. He always liked being scratched behind the ears. I laughed when my sister got him a lime green sweater with a bright neon pink daisy on the back. He’s not metrosexual dog. He was smart though, burying numerous hot dogs around the year making us think that he had eaten a lot.

What was special was the fact that he waited for us. My family gets home around 7 something PM. When my dad entered the house, he heard Zipper barking. His first bark in two weeks. So my dad went down and looked at him. He was fine. Then my mom and I came into the house and he started barking again. When we went down, he looked like he was in pain so I hurried up to get the phonebook to call the nearest vet to get him euthanized. Dad yelled up to me and said I didn’t have to. Zipper had died. My parents believe strongly that Zipper held out until we got him. We’ve had him for 15 years after all and he knows when we get hom and everything. In a way, believing that Zipper loves us back gives me comfort. We had a nice burial for him, complete with incense and a rose stuck on his grave. There’s a doggy heaven, right? ’cause that dog deserves a damn good afterlife.

I love him.

Rest in Peace Zipper.

bring ‘em back home.

Back Home – Blue Scholars. I cried.

 

behind glass.

Wrote something. Was restless in class. Wasting notebook paper with words. I don’t even need comments. Just read. & I absoultely don’t need to hear about how ‘emo’ is sounds or I will indeed, stab you. Mkay. Cheerios~

——-

behind a clear wall.

i see you fail. fall.

my breath speeds up.

i can’t help. stop 

hurting her. you’re hurting her.

can’t you see. murder.

her muted cries. no one is there.

i’m behind this wall. this isn’t fair.

i have to try. to no avail.

there’s no strength here.  bail.

give up. she’s lying still.

he walks away. conscience filled.

a trick of a light. an emotional illusion.

how fake it was.  a wonderful sensation.

at least she was loved. past tense.

her death. a broken heart. makes sense.

the wall disappears. seen never more.

and suddenly i’m her. i’m on the floor.

 

 

4/30/08

“Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.”

–Thomas Paine

—-

In remembrance of the day Saigon fell.

Someday, Viet Nam will once again achieve the freedom that it deserves.